Conversations with the One

random therapy

2007-01-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

I have not felt the need to blog in a while.
Today, I feel drawn here for some reason. I think when I feel like purging a bit, I sit here.

I have learned that this is the only time I care to blog. I have realized that this blog is less about sharing with those who will read and more about a form of therapy for myself.
It is a therapy that really doesn't resolve anything but it is a form of therapy and one that is cheaper than many other forms out there.

There are two things that make me crazy.
There are two situations that rise up a form of anger in me that can't really be articulated in an appropriate manner.
I don't communicate well, when confronted with them but, I rage over them with great perfection. I throw daggers, blow smoke and create intense drama whenever the scenerios cross my path.
My emotions are such that I feel like I am in a flood, treading fiercely to survive my own natural disaster.

As I stared at the ceiling last night listening to music I longed for that still small voice. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed in my maddness there is understanding and I prayed for protection.
There is no doubt in the last year I feel like I have been in a war. Its hard and I really am not that good at fighting it. pretty much, I suck at it.

Anyway, I prayed.
I felt how often I, we, must grieve Him.
How much we grieve Him with our selfishness, our pettiness, our arguments.
I thought how heartbroken He must be when we, in our own flesh, rip apart the very ones we hold dear to our souls.
I wondered how grieved He must be when parents make choices that cause their children such unnecessary pain simply because they are selfish instead of selfless.
I thought how much He must be grieved when couples argue over nothing at all or leave because they believe there is something much better than God's best.
I thought How He must be grieved by the evil that is taking captive His very own.

Then I thought How much He must be grieved by me.

I realized that I must be a disappointment not only to my family at times but to Him. How often do I model something that resembles something far from His character and light.
You never really know until you see yourself through someone else's eyes. I am not so sure that is a mirror I want to look into just yet.

I like this one

2006-06-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

Last night Lee and I were up late. We were just being silly. Laughing and having a good time. We were up till midnight. For us to be up this late is highly unusual. Today, I came across this quote and it reminded me of us.

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly."

A quote by Rose Franken.

The complex of the proverbs 31 chick

2006-06-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

"A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds." Her husband trust her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it."

"Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise; Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!"

I am not a perfect woman. I don't think I will ever be a perfect wife and mother. I read proverbs 31 sometimes, to remind me of what I should strive to be. When you read it you just can't help but shake your head. I am reminded of how far from this woman I really am.

Proverbs 31 is what I would hope to be for my family. Being realistic, I can only hope to reflect a small portion of what is described of her.

I think all wives and mothers want that to some degree.

For me, I want to have outclassed them all in the eyes of my husband and my children.
My insecurity breathes life into the fear that I won't even come close to that for them.

Lets call it the proverbs 31 complex.

A little childs prayer

2006-05-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

The other night my little boy got ready to go to bed. As he prepared to go to sleep he remembered he needed to pray.

His prayer went something like this.

"Dear Jesus, thank you for our many blessings. Please tell us about the people who need help. tell us who they are and we will find them and help them."

You got to love a prayer like that.

a rough week

2006-04-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

I now sit here back at home while my parents are still in a hospital several hundred miles away. My dad is doing pretty good. He had bypass surgery. The road to recovery will be long. It will be hard. His life will completely have to change. I hope he truly understands this and draws the strength to change it.

I am not sure if I can articulate the journey that began more than a week ago. It was a journey I have known for a long time would come in one way or another. I have worried many nights that a call would come with news, news that my father had either had a heart attack or a stroke. His habits were one that would pave that road for him.

My dad entered the hospital 10 days ago. His body filled with fluid, his ability to breath labored. We journeyed from one hospital to another. News that a heart Catherization must be done.
When my mom told me this I knew we must travel back home. My mind began to turn. I hoped that problems would be resolved with this procedure but in my heart I knew it would not. I have seen the damage my dad has done to his body. I know it won't be this easy.

What I suspected proved true. 5 arteries blocked ,bypass needed. In my mind, I am going through what may or may not happen. What will I do if this situation does not turn out positive. What steps will I need to take. I poured all of my energy in trying to hold myself together. My mom needed that. My dad needed that. With that, my energy for anyone else had become blank. Focus was disappearing and confusion was setting in. I went through the motions. I would not have done that much had it not been for prayer.

It was a learning experience for both myself and my husband. It has been a difficult road.
I learned , we learned.
As people we spend a lot of time on things that really don't matter. We get uptight, complain, and worry about things. Things that have no importance. Things that ultimately just bring more reason to get uptight, worry and complain. We lose sight of what is important and we drain others because of it.
I learned that how you handle stress is a sign of true character. I learned that life is fleeting and control is an illusion. I learned that some of the decisions made in the past by Lee and myself may not make sense to others but they are the right decisions. I learned the past effects us all and it can only be changed when it is recognized. I learned that sometimes you can be two different people. The people you are when you return back home isn't always the people you are when you are home.

I learned God is in charge. Prayer is powerful and trust is hard.

I learned its time to move my parents closer. Its time for them to have change. It is time for them to leave the past. It is time for a new beginning.

He can make all things new.

I sit here now still a little confused. speaking in sentences that may not make sense. purging emotions knowing more will come. I pray that as my dad prepares for recovery, he sees the miracle he is. When it looked like me may be taken away, he was given another chance. There is purpose for his life. I pray he takes the opportunity to honor God with it.

urgent prayer request!

2006-04-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Please be in prayer for my family. my dad has been in the hospital since monday. had trouble breathing. he has some fluid around his heart and lungs. he was scheduled for a heart cath this morning. they were unable to put stints in today. he will have to have bypass sugery. they need to resolve the fluid problem in order to test his lung capacity. Depending on how strong his lungs are will determine whether he can withstand the surgery. he will have to have 5 arteries worked on. If his lung capacity is not good then they may have to go back in by heart cath and attempt to do stints.

Please pray for his health and pray for my mom. Ask for her to be at peace. She is tired and worried. We are in great need for prayer.

thanks

God or the Girl

2006-04-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

I recently started watching a show on A&E called God or the Girl. The show deals with young men who are seeking out direction and God's will for their life and future.
The decision that must be made? Marry the church or marry a girl. Yes, the show zones in the life of young adult men, young Catholic men, who are desparately seeking to discern whether they are to serve God through the priesthood.
It is an interesting show.

I think I am hooked on yet another reality television show.

Wisdom

2006-04-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

"The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing."
Socrates

Never Tire

2006-04-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

"Never tire of doing what is right."
I can hear my dear friend Mollie repeating this to my children last Sunday. "Never tire of doing what is right." At the end of that statement she adds one more thing. "even when it is hard."

"Never tire of doing what is right even when it is hard."

In this walk, with those you love, together, empower each other, strengthen each other, support one another.
In this journey,. do what is right for each other and those around you.

Do what is right, even when it is a hard.

Attack of the inner demons

2006-04-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

We all have demons. The little distortions in our lives that creep in and out through time. They effect how we react, how we deal with issues going on in life.

The demons always develope from what you experience in life. What you see, what you experience, from the time you are small devolpes and nourishes the inner demon. We all have at least one. Some of us a few more.

I have seen a lot of hurt in the life of others. No stranger to deception, addiction and pain. The witnessing of such causes my inner demon. Satan, uses him well.

It is past events that cause me to react the way I do in certain situations. The reaction is not always very graceful. I recognize that.

I have been down a difficult road lately. Some days good, others not so good.
Me and the inner demon, we fight. I have been grieved, aggrevated, and pardon me, but down right pissed off.
Feeling a lack of control causes my friend to rear its ugly head.
I am dealing with him, understanding him. I also recognize I am growing, being sifted, working on issues, working on me.

A friend and I were discussing the inner demons the other day. We must understand them to purge them. Understanding your demons is key into getting rid of them.

Do we ever get rid of this thing, this it, this whatever you call it, this curse of the inner demon? I don't think so. I think we figure out some way of handling it, but we never get rid of it.

We understand what is at the root cause of our reactions. We understand that the inner demon is causing a certain reaction and why that is. We understand that his games are not acceptable and so we work harder and harder to bury him.

I am working harder. I fail along the way. We all do. These days I understand it, this inner demon a little more. I have to, you have to. If you don't he may just destroy you.
We often say that there is enough pain in the world and we each want to work hard not to bring anymore pain to others. Sadly, the pain we tend to bring isn't always to others. Most often the pain we bring is the one we inflict on ourselves.

What is your inner demon? I recognize him more these days. I am trying to put him in his proper place.
Peace to those of you who seek to do the same. Peace to you who seek not to be controlled by the demons within but to at last learn to control them.

Today, I struggle

2006-04-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

today, I struggle.
I am trying to overcome.
I am fighting.
I am unsure if I am winning.
feel like purging.
I pray, but its hard.
I have hate.
I have rage.
I am angry.
I have good days,
I have bad.
today, could be better.
I seek to forgive.
its hard,
to let go.
anger.
I want to hate.
I want to be mean.
I want to scream.
He commands me to give mercy.
He commands me to allow grace to light the way.
He commands me to be kind.
He commands me to forgive.
those who I have not seen.
those who I have not met.

I am trying to give this gift to myself.
Today, I struggle

The Savior is romantic

2006-04-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lee and I went out on a date alone for the first time in a long while the other night. It was really nice. It was strange in a way, like we were missing a limb.
We are always going and doing with children in tow, so not having at least one of them along for the ride was a little out of the ordinary for us.
Our evening gave us a little taste of something we want to do more of. Spending time together. Time alone in a setting that allows for complete concentration on each other without distraction.
Don't get me wrong. We love our children and we love spending time with them but, for every couple a little romance is always needed.

As I lay praying that evening I prayed for us and for others. Couple's whom I know need prayer. Need to know each other and fall in love with each other all over again.

I was reminded of the importance of romance. The next day I shared with Lee what I felt God was speaking to me and it brought me to tears.

You see, as I lay in prayer I was suddenly reminded of the importance of romance. I realized that romance is apart of God's plan in every marriage but, yet we don't always follow his leading in that area.

I believe that God seeks after his children. romances them and draws them unto himself. We fall in love with this Savior and when we do we follow into that matrimony of making a decision to follow Him.

When that decision is made the romance doesn't stop. In marriages, people tend to take each other for granted. They do it without even realizing it is happening and then one day they wake up wondering what has happened.

If we truely looked at the relationship with the Father as it should be and modeled this in our marriages then romance would never be an issue for so many.

Think about it, God never quits reminding us how much he loves. His word is laced with it and if you read it often then you are constantly reminded of His love for you and His people.
There are moments throughout your day in which God seeks to delight you. Sometimes, we are too busy to notice but he never tires of trying to do so. when you are out in the world in which God created, what gives you delight? what captures your attention? Is it a sunrise, a sunset? It is a flower which you think of as your favorite or the chirping of your favorite bird? You see, these little things in which we delight in, but most often take for granted are the things in which God uses to romance us. Remind us of his love.

I was talking to Lee about this the other morning and as I did I looked out the window. There he was this beautiful bright red cardinal. What is so great about that you ask? This is my favorite bird. I love to see them. This was my confirmation of what I felt he was telling me was right on.

Lee and I are preparing to discuss marriage in the near future with our commuinty group. We look forward to getting into some things that they never talk to you about in premarriage counseling. I am sure it is going to be very interesting and hopefully it will spark a little more of that romance for those who are taking this journey. That romance that God wants us to have with Him and with our soul mate.

Who ever thought, The savior is a romantic

Choices

2006-03-28T04:17:00.001-08:00

Lee is a big fan of the show Smallville. He is a little behind in discovering it, but he is hooked. This new obsession has caused me to become an addict of the same little television show.

We recently purchased the first session of the show on dvd. This is our effort to catch up on things. In the very first episode two of the main characters are engaged in a conversation. One looks at the other and asked this question.
" Have you ever wondered what life would be like if things turned out differently?"

Last night I was thinking about this and life.
We all have opportunities in life that cross our path. The choices we make in these opportunities determine what life will be like, what life will become.
Certain times in life there are choices that are defining moments. Moments that make you who you are, who you will become. Moments that make are break you. Moments that define you.
Looking back, you know that if you would have made a certain choice everything you know now would have been altered.

I am about to tell a story. One in which I don't think I ever even revealed to Lee. A story, in which an opportunity was given, a choice was made. A story in which if I would have chosen a different path, my life as I know it would not exist.

Not too long after Lee and I began dating I ran into an exboyfriend. Lee and I were out. We had lots of people around. Old friends we knew and were catching up with. We were making our way around talking to everyone.
Anyway, this ex-boyfriend and I were discussing some mutual friends who, at the time were going through a rough time. They were making choices in their relationship in which was causing great pain between them. Making mistakes which were leading to regrets.

My ex decided to let me know that he to had made some mistakes, had regrets. Wishing to go back and change things, make it right.

I was standing there, given a choice, an opportunity. I knew at that moment that if I wanted to, I could begin again with this person.
I chose not to. I chose Lee.

At that time I saw a person who had feelings for me. He must have really cared to be dropping this at my feet. To give me a hint of a new beginning where things would be different.

Today, I see it for what it really was. A person, who at this point in time had selfish motives. Who did not really care about me or my life. He new I was in this new relationship, a good one. All he cared about at that moment in time was what was lacking in his. What he thought he felt was only something floating at the surface. The love that he thought he may have, was not really love at all.

What Lee and I had was far different.
I knew in my heart God had placed Lee in my life. He had given me a soul that completed me. Someone who knows me like no other and I him.
God had placed in my life someone who knew my quirks and my craziness. He had placed in my life Lee, who was looking beyond all of those things and still loving me.

This is love, one that goes beyond the surface of what we think we know. A love that goes much deeper into what we really do know.

when God gives us a mate. He finds for us the person who knows us like nobody else. A person who does not fear the things in us that would scare someone else to death.
He gives us more than a person who just feels a certain way, gets along with us well and has common interest.
He gives us the one who will be around when everyone else heads for the door.

He gives us a glimpse of saving grace through that perfect soul mate.
A picture of Him through the heart and soul of the one we share our life with. A friend who knows you like no other.

I was given an opportunity and a choice. One that could have altered life as I know it now. I chose Lee. I always have and always do.
He is God's best for me and I love him deeper and in a way that I can not describe. He was God's choice, I am so glad I was listening.

I

Choices

2006-03-28T04:17:00.000-08:00

My little P Pants

2006-03-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

My children cause me to experience a great deal of emotion. At times I feel as if I am on some sort of a rollercoaster. I never know what twist or turn, what hill or valley may come with them. They are young and so as time passes, the rollercoasters will get bigger and more frightening.

Over the last few days, I have really been concerned with my oldest daughter. She can be a complete puzzle. So complex, I can't even really articulate it into words. At times she can be the sweetest little thing but at other moments I wonder if an alien has taken over her being.

Our relationship at her young age is not a simple one. As she ages I am sure she will test us to the limit. She is good at it now and I fear we are not getting a passing grade.

I look at her big brown eyes and through them I see things that hurt my soul. I worry that she will make her life much harder than it needs to be as she grows. Even at such a young age, she often chooses the most difficult path.

She is our most obvious ministry. Staring at us in the face every waking moment. I pray we do not fail her.

I fear

2006-03-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I hate that. There are moments when your brain just won't rest.

Its been busy lately. No time to just be, it seems.

My husband and I are always thinking. Mission minded, looking for opportunities, looking to serve.

I fear,

I fear, as we serve, we will not serve and minister in the one area we do not search.

I fear we will forget our most important ministry because we don't see it as ministry.

I fear, as we serve others our children will feel less served.

I fear ,as we listen to others, our children will feel they have nothing important to say.

I fear ,as we search for those places of service, we will fail to see our home as a place to serve.

I fear, the ministry that has been placed before us and been given birth to will be neglected in efforts to search for more opportunity.

This I fear.

There are many great leaders in ministry. Most, if asked, what would you do over again if you could respond. I wish I would have served my family more.

Family, our greatest ministry. For all of us who seek to serve, I pray our greatest ministry is not sacrificed.

Love

2006-03-21T17:59:00.000-08:00

"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love."

Henry Ward Beecher

artists quotes

2006-03-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

"Creativity takes courage" Henri matisse

"I tell you the more I think, the more I feel that there is nothing more truely artistic than to love people." Vincent Van Gogh

journey

2006-03-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

"A Journey is never finished - it simply stops in interesting places."

I feel like I have traveled a million miles within just a short period of time. A journey that began in a valley but eventually led me onto a hilltop.

Life is a journey, one that is full of interesting places. Places that cause fear. Places that cause pain, Places that stretch us in ways we never expected. The destination is left up to us.

My journey of late has been complex. It has been one I don't think I could ever articulate in words. It has been a journey that has brought me full circle back into a place where I see my own soul looking back at me.

It is a journey that is forever and it is the journey I call Love.
It is this destination that gives me happiness, peace and joy. It is this place that allows me freedom to be who I am in a way no one elses knows. It is this place that allows a connection I cannot explain. It is home to me.

I am glad to be home again.

Stuck on You

2006-03-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful for the person who accepts me for who I am. Who loves me for my madness and loves me in spite of it.
I am thankful for the person who embraces my quirks and comforts me in my insecurity.
I am thankful he sees far beyond what I see in myself.
I am thankful that when I look at him, I see my own spirit shining back at me.

Today, at church we talked about two powerful words. Thank you.

Today, I say Thank you and I love you.

The Simple Life

2006-03-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I long for the simple life. By all accounts most would say that is exactly what I have. I am a stay at home wife and mother. I do what most of stay at home wives do. My days are filled with catering to every need my little one's have and making sure our house is a home
.
I make sure it is clean, I make sure the laundry is done and I make sure that our meals are made. I love every moment with my children even though at times they can cause me to want to pull every strand of hair out of my head.
My favorite time is when I am with my husband and we sit back and watch what the Lord has blessed us with. Today I was reminded of how precious the simple life is and I long for it all the more. Life keeps most of us busy most of the time. There are things to do, places to be, people to see. At times you can feel like you are on this merri-go-round and you can't ever get it to slow down enough so that you can get off of it.

Today for a brief few hours we got off and allowed ourselves to just be. I sat in the yard with Lee by my side and we watched our children play. With a cold drink in his hand we just relaxed for a while. We tossed the baseball with our little boy and laughed as he felt the need to coach his sister on the game. I did not cook supper, we just had left overs. We sat at the table and prayed. As I listened to Cam he told the Lord that we would follow, as a family we would follow where He wanted us to go. I marveled at the faith of this child.

We cleared the table and got ready for the evening. The kids fell asleep as did their daddy. In the quiet I sat, looking at each little face and finally the face of my husband. All peacefully resting and I thought this is the life and this is my life.

I wish for more days like this one. Days, where the phone doesn't ring much, or the computer is not on and all there is to do is enjoy the simple life. Days in which we soak in the sun, sip a cold drink, talk about nothing special and play.

There is something to learn from generations of long ago. Generations when sitting on the front porch was an everyday occurance. When your day was not complete until you took time to smell the fresh air, watch the birds, look at the clouds and remembered that it was all created by God. All this replaced by a lazyboy recliner, mtv and email. Our efforts to make life more simple have somehow done the complete opposite and made it much harder.
I sometimes wonder why, why are we so dumb.

Think about it, I sit here typing on this complex piece of technology A piece of technology that keeps us so busy and causes many in the world so much pain. A piece of technology that I barely no how to use and on it I type about living the simple life. Makes sense doesn't it.

Years ago things made a lot more sense. Just ask the one who lived and knows the real definition of simplicity.

What I have been learning

2006-03-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

This week I have been reading daily devotionals, a book that I came across and forgot I had, and of course the Word of God. Everything that I have come across this week has been dealing with Spritiual warfare and temptation.
We battle, nearly beaten time and time again by the temptations that plague these fleshy bodies and engulf this world in which we live. How are we to be of the world and not of it. How do we resist when at every turn it confronts us.

At times we think we are so strong that we can handle whatever temptation comes our way. We forget how fragile and fleshy we really are. We desire perfection but, forget it is never attainable this side of heaven. My desire to know how to deal, directed me to all these paths so conviently laid before me in my readings. Convient, I laugh, devine I believe.

We are clearly directed in scripture to be on guard. At one point I was led to 1 corinthians chapter 10. "Remember history friends and be warned." "These are all warning markers- DANGER- in our history books, written down so that we don't repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parrellel they at the beginning, we at the end and we are just as capable of messing up as they were. Don't be so naive and self confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence' it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence.

The following day I came to scripture in proverbs 22. "A prudent (wise) person sees trouble coming and ducks; a simpleton walks blindly and is clobbered.

Lastly, I wanted to see exactly what Jesus did when tempted. He knows man, He was not without temptation just without sin. My study led me to Matthew, where Jesus was tested by satan. How did he respond? what are we to take from that response as we are time and again tested in our own lives?
As complex as life is, and in all the pretty packages that temptation is wrapped in, Jesus makes dealing with them quite simple. 3 times He was tested and thrice He spits out words from Deuteronomy. He said what he had to say, refused satan and then harshly said beat it. No room for debate, no room for discussion.

Often we believe that temptation is a sin. We need to recognize it is not and we will face it over and over again. It is Satan's attempt to cause us to fall and as long as believers seek to make a difference then the believer is a threat. Temptation is his a way to divert, distract and destroy whatever heaven desires to rain down.

The truth of the matter is this. No situation is cut and dry, no temptation is easy to detect and no tool used to tempt is ever pure.
We need to be protected. We seek protection for the mind, the body, and life. As unfortunate as it and as hard as it is for me to type the following statement I have to say it.
I believe to an extent you have to guard your freedom.

For here we are not completely free. To be completely free can at times come at a cost and one too high a price to pay. We are completely free in spirit, so don't get me wrong but in body we are held captive. It is a fight, it is a battle. It is a battle we must reley on Him to fight because He is the only way there will be victory.

the unseen battle

2006-02-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

Each day I try to read a daily devotional. The one I read today was titled "unseen battle". The devotional talked about Satan, his tactics, and how he uses them. I have come to the conclusion that his favorite tactic is to destroy relationships. I have seen a lot of hurt in my life. The hurt always stems from relationship. I have witnessed how he can tempt and ultimately destroy.
We have all seen it happen. Brother's and sisters fight and never speak again. Mother's and daughters can't get along. Father's and sons can't connect. Husbands and wives destroy their vows and ultimately their families. We make the choices that carry us down these paths and some how satan helps us along. We are constantly unaware of his role. We are unaware of his manipulation, in his temptation. We are unaware, until ultimately it is too late.

The relationships that God has placed in my life make me who I am. He has placed them here. He has breathed in them life and he sustains them. I pray His protection over them. Temptation has come in effort to destroy. He has come in order to conquer. I have been placed in an unseen battle. He has come to fight it.

My God, My God. My Savior, conquerer and King. keep us under your wings.

Hello/goodbye

2006-02-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

It has been a hectic week around here. A little busier than usual. It is a good busy. The coming weeks will bring us the same hustle and bustle that we have had this week as we both have projects to focus on.

When we get busy like this it seems like we see each other in passing. baseball season is starting up and between that and some other things It really has seemed that way in the present week. Most people feel that way all the time. I am thankful that for us, this is not the case. Still when those moments come it can be rather exhausting.

A four star hotel with star treatment sure would be nice right about now. Oh, excuse me I must have fallen asleep and started dreaming. that is what the exhaustion can do to you. Now, back to reality and back to cooking supper.

the mother/daughter relationship

2006-02-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

I hear that raising boys is much easier than girls. If that is the case then we have our work cut out for us. my oldest girl and I struggle at times. She can be rather sassy and she somehow thinks she is in charge at times. I have tried just about every discipline tactic I know and although with age she seems to be getting a little better she still is very strong willed. correction doesn't seem to phase her too much and my son seems to think we need to call nanny 911 to handle the job. I would not say she is that fargone just yet.

I often wonder where she gets this personality from. Her daddy and I are both pretty laid back. I was a quite child and always quick to please. When I did get into a little ,I would get a good talking to. That talk would lead to a little quiet time in my room. Though many have trouble believing this was a tactic that would work, for me it did the trick. I am trying my best to be a good mommy but, the behavior that comes out in my little girl often causes me to wonder if in some way I am failing her. My heart just hurts. For some reason she just wants to test me and I am not too sure I am earning a good grade.

She is vastly different than my other children and sometimes I am broken hearted by some of her innocent comments. I fear she is becoming more manipulative than I could ever imagine her to be. She mentions seeing certain people just simply because of what she can get from them rather than for who they are in her life. She enjoys time alone with me but, looks to see what material thing she may obtain from that time. I am sure that some would say I am just going a little overboard in my thoughts but I have to be honest. I am scared. I am scared that she will have behavior that will be contrary to what we are trying so desparately to teach her. I am scared she will make her life hard because of bad choices. I am scared she will like certain people not for who they are but for what they can give her. I am scared she will choose the wrong path believing that it is an easier one.

I don't think I am being silly, I don't think I am going overboard on my thoughts. I believe this is a real fear, a real possiblity. I can get advice from all angles on this one and I know many who are walking in my same shoes. Some of their stories have been horrid compared to my concerns. I am thankful that their stories give me some relief.

I understand that my thoughts today may bring some down. It is simply the struggle of a mother with her child. Understand that I am not complaining. I am simply purging my hurt for her. My frustration for the situations we sometimes encounter causes me to wonder, worry and whine.

My great love for her causes me to never give up.
Love has a way of doing that doesn't it.
.

long night

2006-02-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am pretty tired today. Did not get much sleep last night. Ever have one of those nights when your mind is running wild and you just can't settle into a rest. I often wonder why I have these nights sometimes. It is a wrestling and it drives me mad. I got in bed around 11:00pm and tossed about until I finally decided to look at the clock. At last check, I think it was 1:30 am. I knew that by this time I was finally coming to an end of this battle, only to realize that soon I would be awakened by a little one ready for her meal.
There really was not anything too profound that was causing my mind to race. I have this project that I am heading towards at my church. I recently just finished a painting project in our children's area. I painted a mural in two rooms. Never did I dream this is a way in which God would have me to serve in my new church. Painting in this manner is a land I have not visited in quite a while. It has been therapy and fun. It has been work and it has left me satisfied. Is it good? Don't know but, no complaints yet.
I have another wall and room to do and there will be more after this. My mind was turning on ideas, what would look good what would not. As ideas form in my mind I can't rest until I have the form, color and design of what I will try to recreate from my mind onto the wall. I never know when I start whether it is going to be what has been formed in my mind. I guess one would say sleepless nights as these are just apart of the creative process. I am no great in the area of art just one who likes to doodle. Funny how even us doodlers must go through such a process for our kind of creativity.

love is in the air

2006-02-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

happy valentine's day to all.
make sure you tell someone you love how much they mean to you today.

fighting fat

2006-02-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

I am departing from my normal blogs of late. As I feel the nudge to post prayer, I will.

I am a little discouraged right now. I am in the beginnings of trying to get my body post pregnancy. Post pregnancy of six years ago that is. It is hard. I really want the quick fix but know that no quick fix will last.Quick fixes no matter how good the results will only be temporary. So, I have been exercising and watching what I am eating but this is coming at a very slow pace.
Yes, I have lost a few inches but I really want to see some numbers on the scale moving.
Yes, I understand that given I just had a child 4 months ago.
Yes, I understand it takes up to a year for your body to be back to normal.
I understand that but accepting it is a whole different story.
getting in shape is no easy task. I am not patient with it either.
Lord, this is my prayer. May I desire exercise and not be lazy with it. May I desire foods that are good for me and may I want less of those that are not so good. Help me as I seek to be a healthier me and to treat my temple as such.

prayer

2006-02-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

Father, thank you for a beautiful day. A little cooler than I like but, the sun is bright and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue.
Color, so many you created and I am addicted to them all. Lately, you have allowed me to get in touch with the creative side of myself. You have given me opportunity to get lost in the world that I love by giving me a job to do.You have brought me back into a place that got lost many years ago.
A job of creating a place of wonder for little ones. This opportunity brings into question what do you want for me as far as this is concerned. Yes, there is much more work to be done so I need you to place inside of me what creative things you would have be a part of this great vision you have placed into hearts. I can't think of it all on my own. You are the master creator, the master of color, fill me with your creative force. Give me direction, design and ideas. breath into my being your ideas and work through my efforts to make it the place you would have it to be.

In your name I pray,
Amen

Prayer

2006-01-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

Father today I come to you seeking your help in the health of a child. Not completely knowing the situation I come knowing that you know it well. I ask that you be with her and strengthen her body. Help her to get proper treatment and may she continue to be a normal child and may her health be completely restored. I ask that you comfort her parents in their uncertainty and calm their fears. Help them to know and feel your prescence with them and with their little one. For those of us who know them, may we continue to be warriors for them. May she be ever present in our minds and in our prayers.

In your name I pray,
Amen

prayer

2006-01-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

Father, I ask that you be with my grandfather as he prepares for sugery. Though it be minor, he is more fragile than he used to be. Help him to recover well and feel good once this is complete. Watch over my grandmother as she waits through the procedure. Give her comfort and peace and rest. Bring them back to their home safely, allowing them to enjoy their days with energy and zest.

Thank you for them.
In Your name I pray,
Amen

prayer

2006-01-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

Father, thank you again for another day. A day to go through the usual routine. A day of nothing special but of everything blessed. Forgive me for my wretched sin and for a mind full of thoughts not from you.

Lord, today I started cleaning out closet space. organizing things that I want to keep, throwing out things no longer needed. As I do this I am reminded of we are in a state of constant change. Things never remain the same and although some change is good a part of me is saddened by it. Most of the time I try to place its reality in the back of my mind. The acknowledgement of change means I have to face that my children will not be this age forever. They will grow as will I in more ways than one. My parents will age and one day my grandparents will leave far sooner than I want them too. Moments I am certain of the walk and others very unsure of it. The question of if you area apart and pleased sometimes lingers. Help me to hear your voice

In your name I pray,
Amen

Prayer for a friend

2006-01-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

Father, forgive me for my sin today. Hear my prayers and my heart.

Lord, be with my friend today. It will be rough for her and her family. The memories coming back of what took place a year ago today will be hard. I ask that you comfort them all. Give them peace and let them know of your presence. Help us to be the friend that she needs and help us to bear the burden of such pain with her. This is what we are called to do.

Thank you for her and her family and the laughter that she always brings to our faces.
May your peace flood their souls today.

In your name I pray,
Amen

prayer

2006-01-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Each of us has the terrible capacity to slam the door in the face of God's promises. Not just promises for salvation and eternal life but promises for our lives, for our families, four our businesses, for our relationships, for our weaknesses, for our tourment, for our bondage.

Yet, God's love is relentless. We may lock ourselves up in anxiety, distress, perplexity, and grief. But when we call upon Him, Jesus moves right into the situation, shut doors and all. He is in no way reluctant to step into our deepest confusion and despair, bringing comfort, healing and delieverance.

This was my devotional today out of the book titled "In The Presence of God" By Jack Hayford.

Father, forgive me for not always trusting in the faithfulness of your promises. At times it is hard for me to believe you are a good and loving God. It is hard at times to imagine that you want to shower your blessings down upon us. It is hard for me to believe at times you hear me and my prayers. Forgive me for not completely understanding and knowing and believing in your goodness. Thank you for giving us your promises and though I may at times have a hard time believing them, you never shut the door upon them. Shower your blessings down upon me and those dear to me my Father.

In your name I pray,
Amen

Prayer

2006-01-13T13:52:00.000-08:00

Lord, I have a little piece of your creation standing right next to me. He comes back and forth checking to see if I am done with the computer. He wants to get his hands on the computer, anxious to play a game. Today I give thanks for him. My firstborn. My heart walks around daily with these who you have blessed our home with. They are my greatest gift. May our days be filled with laughter, May you bless us with years of joy. May we see their children and may we be an impact upon them for you.

Thank you for the blessing of my family.
In your name I pray
Amen

A prayer for Julie

2006-01-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

Father, I come before you today with my imperfections. seeking forgiveness for all that is about me that is unclean. Forgive me and lift the barriers between us.

I come before you in prayer for Julie. I ask that as a new day begins she is newly encouraged. As she is searching her way, I ask that you be her guide. though she may feel alone allow her to feel your presence. Help her to know how special she really is. That her unique qualities are to be celebrated. Show her that in your eyes she is completely accepted and completely loved. When she is down, lift her up and give her encouragement. Help her eyes to be opened to you. Help her to see you in life, in music, in your word, in your world. Bless her and protect her and thank you for her.

She has been a blessing to me and she doesn't even realize it.

This is my prayer for her.
In your name I pray,
Amen

Prayer

2006-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Father, another morning beginning. One off to school as we speak. Little foggy this morning but hopefully you will bring out the sunshine. Another day in which moments will come and I will fail you. Forgive me for those failures.

I feel it coming on Lord. I have little ones who are starting once again with the sniffles. We have had colds on and off this year so much. No matter how much we wash hands, use hand sanitizer we continue to get these stinking colds. Lani is starting off with it this time. It has to be rough for her. RSV is making its way around. Help us all to stay well. heal us from illness before it even begins. Allow us healthy bodies my dear Father.

There are moments where my heart is heavy. You know the inner thoughts of my head and heart Lord. You know my struggles, my worry. Calm the fears that linger and give me confidence and hope. I struggle in the area of worry. Only you can give me the peace to replace it. I worry about everything and anything. I invent things to worry about. Help me to remember your words, your promises and erase my mind from worry. It is a battle and one I constantly and one that I am always fighting. Forgive me for my worry and guard my mind from it. Help me to recognize your voice and to hear only it.

Thank you for this day. give me the energy I need. bless this family and our future with your most gracious abundance and grace.

In your name I pray,
Amen

prayer

2006-01-10T05:06:00.000-08:00

Today a new day has begun. A day in which again and again I will fail you. Father, forgive me for continuing to fail. Forgive my sinful nature. My thoughts, my actions, these that reflect nothing of you forgive me for them all.

I am tired this morning. I guess the night before last is catching up with me. I don't know what was going on but I just kept tossing and turning. Lack of sleep during that evening has poured over into this day. I could have slept a few more hours I think. Father, give me the energy I need to accomplish my tasks for the day. I tend to get a little cranky on days like these. Help me to remember not to be so short tempered.

Father, you know my requests today. You know my heart. My thoughts, my concerns, my worries. Be with me and comfort me. guard my mind from lies and lead me to truth.

Watch over this family, protect and provide.

Keep us healthy and mindful of the body you have designed. Help us to treat it well and take care of it.

Watch over our friends and family. Continue to shower your blessing upon us Father.

Thank you for who you are and who you continue to be to me.

In your name I pray.
Amen

Prayer

2006-01-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

Father, today has been a good day. A day beginning with dedicating our little one. She among eight other little blessings. I thank you for her. I know that this place we have become apart of this day is a place in which your leading has gone before us. I thank you for the opportunities there for ministry and for the friendships that are forming. It was a good day.

As I sit here I listen to my little Aly as she is trying to dig her way into the trash. I get frustrated at her relentless pursuit of it at times but, I also thank you for that frustration. To get frustrated among such is a blessing. I thank you for the clothes I continue to pick up off the floor, the accidents I clean, the mess of toys that clutter up just about every inch of the house. I, know that sometimes it does not seem as if I am thankful and, for one who likes organization it can be kinda testing. I do thank you for these remarkable gifts who I see myself in each day. Be with Lee and I as we seek to raise them. As we seek to teach them. Guide us as we love them, talk with them, discipline them. As they grow, guide us through each stage of change. May their spirits be entangled with your love. Thank you for each of them. Thank you for their similarities and their differences. Help us to remember they are different and special in their own ways and help us to remember to celebrate those differences.

I thank you for this most precious ministry. I thank you for this most precious gift and blessing.

Guide these little ones dedicated today. Bless these and their parents for years to come. May these grow and come to know you. may their light shine brightly may their love flow freely.

In your name I pray,
Amen

Prayer

2006-01-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father, today I come before you first and foremost seeking forgivness. I am not perfect and daily I do what is not right in your eyes. Forgive me for my failures and sin.

I ask today that you hear my prayer. I come to you on behalf of friends. No need to mention names cause you know them well. I came across her in the store the other day. guess it was meant to be due to the fact I spent much time with her listening.
Sounds like she is really struggling. Hard time with friends, family, and finances. Not many know of her struggle.She does not even make mention of it within her own church body. There are only a few that she confides in. I pray that those who know of her pain continue to be a ministering spirit to her. I ask dear Lord that you just work in all the little details of her relationships and her finances. We all know that such can be worrisome and stressfull. I ask that you just give her peace in all these situations. Provide for all her needs dear Lord and help her to feel your presence and your hand in all these areas.

I ask your healing touch be upon our dear friend who is a little battered in body and spirit today. A look of pain, frustration and saddness was upon his spirit last night. I pray that as a new day begins his spirit is anew. I pray his outlook is lifted by you and his physical pain subsides. I pray your blessing upon him and his family. As he trys to lead in your ways Lord, be the guide. I ask that you provide and protect and, as their friends we are mindful of our role to comfort and support.

Thank you for these most precious jewels in your sight. As we pray for them, may we remember how precious they are in your sight.

In your name I pray,
Amen

this year

2006-01-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

This year i have decided to allow blog to be a place for prayer. this was the original intention of conversations with the one and I am going back to that original thought. I feel that sometimes I am more apt to remember the needs of others in a prayer journal. I don't want to be one of those who says I will pray for you and then fail in such. As I pray for the needs of those who come to mind. I ask you to join me in this and for these who may request it.

New year prayer

2006-01-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

I come to you oh Father, seeking forgiveness with all that is within me that is dirt in your eyes. Wash me clean and see me as pure before you. Hear my prayer oh Lord. The prayer of a weak servant. The prayer of one who knows nothing in comparison to others.

Thank you oh Lord for the blessing of my life. I have been richly blessed and for these I am so grateful. I thank you for the souls in my life that make it so beautiful. For the family and friends you have given to leave markings on my heart, I come before you asking that you richly bless their life. Provide for them, protect them and guide them through this coming year.

Thank you for my husband and children. I ask for you continued guidance and blessing upon this family that you have established. Help our home be filled with laughter, love and joy. Daily bless us with your most abundant of blessings. Provide for us health, protection and all of our daily needs through the coming year. This may sound a selfish request but I risk being as such. It is you that teach ask anything and so I do as humbly as I can.

I ask for you hand to be upon us, this family, myself and I ask for you to protect us under your wings of protection. Help us to have proper discernment in all things and all possibilities. I ask for direction and guidance. I ask for the opportunity to be creative and to guide us in that. It is you that is the master of creativity. Breathe life into that part of ourselves that we tend to forget.

I ask that you guide us as we teach our children right from wrong, as we teach them your ways and how to be a light to this world. As we have the privilege to teach these who you have put into our lives I ask for the blessing to one day be a light in the lives of our children's children.

Father, I ask that you guide our friends near and far. Those who so diligently seek your face. Those who struggle with ministry and what it is, what it means and what you desire it to be. Encourage them as they seek to minister in the way you lead them.

I ask Lord, that you be in the midst of those who are wondering in the world. Who are searching but are unsure what they are searching for. Guide them to yourself and may they see you among those crossing their paths. May those who are hungry be fed and those who are without home find shelter. May those who are lost be found.

I pray a happy blessed new year for us one filled with hope. I thank you for the Hope that has come into our life and I ask that you bless the work that is going on there. May the efforts of those who have this hope be blessed and I thank you for the opportunity to be a part of that Hope.

This is my prayer for the new year.

In His name I pray,
Amen

10 years

2005-12-29T13:52:00.000-08:00

To Lee
You are a precious gift. I am so blessed to have you in my life and to have you as my best friend.
I am so thankful for who you are and who God has blessed me with.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being so silly.
Thank you for being so mature.
Thank you for working hard and hardly working
Thank you for eating what I cook and acting like it tastes good even when it doesn't.
Thank you for teaching me to lighten up even though I am still learning that.
Thank you for dreaming and bringing me along for the ride.
Thank you being the daddy that you are
Thank you for showing our children Jesus.
Thank you for encouraging me.
Thank you for always being honest.
Thank you for paying the bills.
Thank you for unconditional love and acceptance.
Thank you for who you are and who you strive to be.
Thank you for loving the Lord.
Thank you for understanding me even when I don't understand me.
Thank you for believing I am important and what I say is important.
Thank you for us and for our family.
Thank God for you and what you are to me.
I love you,

Happy 10th

How would He celebrate

2005-12-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

If Jesus were here as He were those many years ago. If He were walking the earth among us today, how would he celebrate Christmas. Yes, He is the reason we celebrate but,
He also gets lost in the midst of the celebration. You will find many who debate many things during the time of such a celebration.
Do we say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Do we buy too much or do too little. Do we over do it with gifts, food and drink? Are we too serious or not serious enough. Frankly, all this analyzing makes me exhausted.

So, how would Jesus celebrate Christmas if He were here walking among us in body? How would He celebrate with us? I truly believe that He gives us a clue through our children.
We have many lessons to learn through these little eyes but, I do believe sometimes we are too busy being too serious that we often miss it. We often miss the simple answers to these difficult questions. The simple answers given to us by little children.

This is my idea of how Jesus would celebrate Christmas.
I think Jesus would love Christmas lights. They are so colorful and pleasing to the eye. Everyone loves them and at least once a year they allow us the pleasure of being much more creative than we normally are. God loves creativity so lights would definitely be enjoyed by Him. There would be sweet smells of cooking in the kitchen and the aromas of candles to fill the rooms. There would be music of all kinds. He would enjoy the sounds of the season and encourage us all to sing. He would bake cookies with the children and decorate them too. While He sat there He would notice the twinkle in their eyes and the joy in their hearts. He would tell them the story of Himself and smile at the look of awe on their face. He would probably go to midnight mass, it is just too pretty to pass up and He certainly would not want to miss a celebration in His honor.
Last but not least I bet there would be a gift or two placed under the tree with a tiny little note that says it is much better to give than to receive.

This is just my idea of how Jesus would celebrate and I am sure I could think of much more. For all of us who wonder and analyze how Christmas should be celebrated, do yourself a favor and stop thinking and just celebrate. Be festive, create memories, give of your heart but most of all give him honor and glory by enjoying the blessings He has bestowed upon you. Honor Him by celebrating Him because frankly, I don't believe He would want any of us to be a scrooge.

Its time to turn two

2005-12-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

This week we will be celebrating a birthday. My little girl will be turning two years old and boy do we know it. She is hitting that lovely terrible two stage. She is trying her best to control her surroundings. She lets you know when she is not happy with you with her temper tantrums. When her Brother or sister will not share she is quick to slap them upside the head or grab a hunk of hair and pull as hard as she can. As much as she has this challenging side to her she has a personality that just won't quit. She loves to sing and dance and she is just a pill. I just love her so much.

Two years ago I sat waiting for her arrival. Due on the d20th,but just like my others waiting a little longer to come into the world. I was sure we were going to have a Christmas baby and I prayed that we would have her before in order to be home for Christmas. The Lord answered our prayer and on December 23rd she was born. Twenty four hours later we were able to come home just in time for Christmas Eve.

I remember the birth of each of my children as if it were yesterday. I am one of those who would have 10 children if I could. Although being pregnant is difficult and challenging I love it. For 9 months I anticipate what this child will look like, be like and I fall in love. I remember holding each of my children and being completely in awe and in love. I think becoming a mommy was completely natural to me. I am not the best mommy in the world so don't get me wrong but I just felt like each time I came home with this bundle that it just fit.

I always wondered when I was younger what my life would be like as I grew. I knew that I wanted most of all to be a wife and mother. No big career for me, no big salary, give me the life of a wife and mother. I have the best of that world in my opinion and I truly feel that to be a mommy of 4 is what I was born to do.

My little Aly is such a joy as well as all my little blessings are. Each being special, each being perfectly wonderfully made, each being knit together with such detail, each being known before time. My little blessings. Each time they have a birthday I am reminded of that special day in my life. The day my life changed forever. The day I became a little softer, a little weaker, a little stronger, little more compassionate. The day my soul was taken out of my being stripped bare for the world to see. The day I saw the Savior face to face in the eyes of my child. The day I became reborn. Thank you Lord for allowing that rebirth four times.

Happy Birthday my little AK.

This cold has given AK a nasty cough

2005-12-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

My poor little AK has not been feeling herself the last couple of days. She is a very active soon to be two year old. When she gets really quiet you can find her sifting through the DVDS which she knows are off limits or you can catch her digging her way through the trash. She is a mess.

The last few days her activity level has slowed just a bit. She started with a little bit of a cough and it has continued with along with a low grade fever. I watched her today just laying around fighting off sleep. Mama, rock the baby. This is her talk for please hold me and rock me mama. Over and over again she will say rock the baby, rock the baby. She is so sweet and to see her feeling bad breaks my heart. I pray my little one feels back to herself soon.

A Little bit of Classical Therapy

2005-12-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here at the computer trying to decide what thoughts I want to put down this evening. Truth is I am so conflicted inside that I can't find the words to express it. There is a range of emotions inside me and it goes in all different directions much like a rollercoaster ride.

As I sit here I am listening to classical music. I could get lost in this music. The song I am listening to sounds much like my emotions. There is happiness, torment, pain, anger, and joy all in one composition. The art of this music is much like my soul these days. It is expressing through the music what I cannot in words. It is musical therapy. This music allows you to feel what you sometimes avoid feeling. It allows you to purge what needs purging. It allows you to get lost and be found all at one time. For me, this night, it is allowing me a little of the therapy I so badly need.

Santa is magical but Jesus He is REAL

2005-12-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

Well, we all know the time of year it is. The hustle and bustle of Christmas fun. Christmas shopping, Christmas cooking, Christmas trees and yes Santa Claus.

My children and I speak a good bit about Santa Claus. If you were to ask them why we celebrate Christmas they will tell you we celebrate Jesus and his birth. I would be lying if I did not confess their glee at the thought of Santa finding his way into our home to leave their gifts under their treasured tree.

"Does Santa believe in Jesus?" This was the question asked by my child the other day. I thought for a moment and replied with a Yes. I told my child that chances are, Santa would say that it is much more important to believe in Jesus than it is to believe in Santa. I also told my children that Santa is magical and as long as we believe in magic then we will believe in Santa. Santa leaves his gifts in a magical way and his deer are magical as well.

Jesus on the other hand is very much real. We don't see him but, he is with us everyday not only just once a year.

The children as young as they are seemed to understand the difference between the magic of Santa and the very real concept of Jesus. They are cool with Santa being a magical figure and they understand that Jesus is real.

I've talked to people who don't want their children to believe in the idea of Santa at all. I grew up with the idea of Santa, the toothfairy, the Easter bunny. You name it I had the power of a very active imagination and you couldn't tell me there was no Santa Claus.
With all this going on in my childhood you may ask was Jesus any less to me. No way! I always knew and understood where Jesus was in the celebration of Christmas and Easter. He was number 1. He was the reason for the season and the celebration. Nothing, not even Santa could take His place. Santa to me was just as important as my imaginary friends that joined me at playtime. So, what do I say about this idea of Santa and his place in the Christmas celebration? I say let kids be kids. They only get to do it one time around.

The things Kids say

2005-12-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

The other day I was driving home from school with the kids and I just about wreck the car because of what my son said. I stated laughing so hard that it was a little difficult to keep my focus. Here is the story.

Cam and Cassi both came home with a book from their library. Cam wanted to look at her book and Cassi wanted to look at his. Although Cassi wanted to look at Cameron's book she did not want to release her own into his hands. She was not in a sharing mood. Because of her lack of sharing Cameron decided to let her know she was not acting as she should. This was his statement.

"Cassi, you are not having an attitude of gratitude" He then followed up with a little more advice not relating to the topic at hand. "Cassi, if someone can't take up for themselves then you must take up for them."

This lead me to inquire a little more.
me: Well, Cameron do you take up for people?
cam: Yes, I do.
me: Who?
cam: Sara.
me: When? Today?
cam: No, long time ago.
me: What happened?
cam: Well, we were playing a game and Asa wanted a turn but it was not his turn.
me: What happened?
cam: I said, Asa listen to me. I am six and you are like four or five. I have lost a tooth and you have not. It is not your turn it is Sarah's turn
me: Did he listen?
cam: Yes.
me: Good job.

I am sorry but I thought this was the cutest thing ever. He was so serious and the fact that he is the old age of six and has recently lost his first tooth has given him such wisdom. You just gotta love what comes out of the mouths of babes.

After this conversation the kids then traded books and the rest is history.

The woman of 31

2005-11-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

My morning began early today as it usually does. I am up by 5:30 these days. This is one miracle I never thought would be some 10 years ago. I am an only child. We tend to like things to go our way and we like to do what we want to do.

I have always been the type who wants to get plenty of sleep. It used to be nothing for me to sleep until 10 or 11am. I 've even been known to go past those late hours. Ha!

Since childbirth, those days have been long gone. I am lucky if I can get 8 hours of uninterupted sleep. That ended 6 years ago. My days are spent taking care of my little one's and my husband. I have a full days work and that is even with help from my devoted beau. Am I complaining? Not in the least. Do I get tired? Yes, I most certainly do. God has given me a most precious gift in being a wife and a mother. It is a life i consider a privlage no matter how tired I get. It is a life I would not trade for anything.

I look at that woman in the bible. You know the one, proverbs 31. The perfect woman. I could never be all that she is. I hope that as I rise up each morning and begin my day, I hope I strive to model her to some degree.

I love the verse which states
"Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!" Those are sweet words. This perfect woman is one I am unable to be but she is an inspiration for me to be the best that I can for what God has given to me.

Thank you Father for those sweet sweet blessings

Your life is not your own

2005-11-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

Your life is not your own. Someone I know threw their life away because of money. Wanting too much only to lose everything. The knowledge of this got me to thinking. What we do in our individual lives, never effects only ourselves. Our actions good or bad always have an impact on someone else therefore, our life is never our own.

Things that I do have an impact on my husband my children and others that I know in some way shape or form.

We all have imbalance in our lives. Finding balance is rather challenging. Balancing work, time with family, time with friends etc. Is not easy.
Healthy balance and moderation in our choices of food, drink, money etc. Is never an easy task for most.

I thought about this person who made some decisions that ultimately led them down the wrong road. I have thought about their spouse, their child. I have thought about the pain inflicted and the lasting effect of it. I feel sad.

For some reason we never think our actions have an impact on anyone other than ourselves. We never think the choice to deal drugs effects the dealer, the user, the family of both that love them.

We never think the over indulgence in strong drink ever effects anyone other than the drinker. We never think it effects the spouse, the child, the person you kill while driving the car while drunk never mind the family of that life.
We never think that we are killing ourselves with the abuse of alcohol. We never think our liver is being damaged or brain cells are being diminished. We chose to deny that our choices make a difference in the way someone thinks or feels. We chose to deny that our choices make an impact on whether your children will follow your path or chose another.

We never think that the choice to practice overeating and under exercising effects anyone else. We don't believe that what we consume at the table has any bearing on our heart health or the ability to age gracefully. We don't even think we are overweight most of the time. We eat and eat and eat. Sit and sit and sit never recognizing that we are simply trying to feel a void with the food. We look in the mirror and still see the skinny one we used to be. We live in denial. We never think of the pain it may cause someone if we have a heart attack or a stroke because we chose to damage by what we consume. We damage our bodies with these unhealthy choices and therefore die before our time.

We never think of the consequence of pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, or death ever relates to us when we try to satisfy the appetite in a way other than God intended.

We never think our drinking habits, our smoking habits, our eating habits, our spending habits, our borrowing habits, our drug habits, our sexual habits have an effect on anyone.

We never think the way we treat others, good bad or otherwise makes a difference.

We never think that all we do has an impact on someone else. We always think it is about me. I will do what I want to do when I want to do it. Denial.

We do things because we are selfish. We do things because we feel unworthy and don't deserve better. We do things because we hate who we are and what we have become. All the while our selfish behavior tells those close to us the same things we tell ourselves in our own heads and hearts. You tell them that they are unworthy. You tell them they are unloved. You tell them they don't matter enough and so you don't try hard enough to make a positive impact instead of a negative one.

God gave His son and His Son laid down His life for us all. He knew what He did would have a lasting impact on those that He loved.

This brings me to a question for each of us to ponder. Are you willing to lay down your life for those that you love? To do so you and I must remember that each time we make a choice, we remember who the choice will effect and how it will effect them. We make a choice to make a positive impact and not a negative one. We chose to lay our bad choices down and make good choices.

We chose to LOVE.

Blues Traveler

2005-11-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

We traveled back home this week for Thanksgiving. It was a long trip but a good one. Thanksgiving is usually the time of year that all of my family gets together at grandma's. Aunts, uncles, cousins, we all come together, catch up as much as we can in one full day. This thanksgiving, many saw our newest little member for the first time. She did so well. Passed back and forth among so many she never uttered a cry. She is growing so much and so fast.

I am a blues traveler. I am still traveling around with the baby blues and I don't think anybody knows it. It is not bad enough for anyone to tell its happening. This is part of the normal process of the baby blues. It can be hidden really well.

The blues are lasting a little longer this go round. I don't like it and wish I could get over it. For some reason it seems to be lingering. Most of my days are good but there are moments where this heart feels heavy. It is not a deep depression that I am feeling just a feeling of sadness from time to time. It does seem to be getting better but just not fast enough for me. I am certain that this feeling is sparked by the reality that there are no more plans for another. Sometimes I can't really explain what I am feeling. Journaling this is part of working through it I guess.

I am thankful that I do not have the postpartum depression that some do have. I do know however that it is real and it takes a while for it to pass. I am thankful that for me it is just moments of feeling blue but for others it can be a nightmare. The process pregnancy and birth is not over after a long labor and delivery. It lasts for much longer than that. For those who may not quite understand, be patient with those you know who may still be recovering. For some, it just takes a little more time for the rain to become sunshine again.

Attention drivers

2005-11-18T05:44:00.000-08:00

I am not the best driver in the world but I do try to pay attention and be safe. In the past two days I have almost been in a car accident 3 different times. People don't seem to pay too much attention to what they are doing and it is driving me nuts. This morning I got really bothered because I had to dodge a truck coming opposite myself. They got a little to close to the center line and I am pretty certain that they were going about 60 miles an hour in a 40 mile an hour zone. As this pickup rushed by I had horrid thoughts running through my mind. It would not have been a very pretty scene if this person would have hit us. Here I am with my four children in tow and the thought that any of us would have been injured makes me ill. It is in these instances that I am reminded time and time again that God is protecting when we take it for granted. I am telling you almost 3 wrecks this week. 3 times watched out for. I pray He never lifts His hand! We have no control over the driver who goes too fast, talks too long on their phone or simple cares not to pay extremely good attention to the road. Please people, lets all try to be a little more careful. There are too many precious jewels in this world to sacrifice.

Thank you Father, for keeping us safe. Please continue to watch our going out and coming in. Keep your divine hand upon us protecting us from all harm. Amen

What I learned from a bumper sticker

2005-11-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

Today, I was out and about getting a few things done before picking up my eldest child from his daily activities. On my journey I ended up behind a small pickup truck. Glancing at its rear from a distance I noticed a bumper sticker which said, in big bold letters CLERGY. I thought they must have this sticker for a particular reason. I assumed that the sticker was for the purpose of finding a good parking spot when going to the hospital to minister to others.

I got a little closer only to notice that little fish symbol that most good Christians tend to have on their vehicles. I Did not pay much attention to it at first. I am very used to seeing many people driving around with professing bumper stickers, fish symbols etc. adorning their cars and trucks . This is a mark of a very good Christian no matter how bad they tend to drive.
Anyway, this little truck had several stickers slapped onto his ride. I, again assumed it was much of the same stuff that is normally seen around these parts. I live in the south, the bible belt. It is an area with a church around every corner. This was just another case of another good Christian sharing the highways. Well, we all know what the first three letters of the word assume spell. Take those first three letters and apply that to me, cause that is exactly what I am by assuming things.

As I continued driving a stop at an intersection allowed me a little more time to look and read a little closer. The fish symbol contained the word Pagan instead of Jesus and below that was a sticker that read "Don't presume I am Christian."
Presume - defined as the following, To take for granted;assume to be true in the absence of proof to the contrary. Did this definition say assume? Yes, and this is exactly what this good ole girl did.

This little episode left me thinking and the lesson I took from it was this.

We assume most of the time that because someone looks like, walks like, talks like, acts like, goes to church like is. We assume that one who drives a car with the right bumpersticker or advertises the right church license plate is. Whats the is? We easily assume they are Christian. What is the truth? The truth is they may be no more Christian that the person driving that little black truck I saw today.

Lesson Given: looks can always be deceiving! Lesson learned? Yes..

Sweet Dreams

2005-11-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

The other morning I woke up as I usually do. Eyes half way open and barely getting out words to my little one's as they start bouncing around in my space. Here they are messing up my snug warm spot underneath the covers. Do they even care? No, of course not. The little one's always think that their wake up time is your wake up time and for the most part it definitely is whether you want it to be or not.

My little girl decided to share her nights dream with me and for this moment I would not trade one ounce of sleep.
Here is a glimpse inside her sweet dreams.

Cassi : Mama, I had a nice dream
Me: What did you dream baby?
Cassi : I dreamed about Jesus.
Me: What did you dream about Jesus?
Cassi : He talked to me. He told me that He loves me and He will take care of me.
Me : Cassi, Jesus does love you and He will take care of you. That was a great dream Cassi.

Cassi was so please to share her dream and sooooo happy. She had spent time with Jesus and I am certain by the sparkle in her eye as she spoke that they must have had a lovely time together.

In this dream, Jesus was visiting a child. A child so willing to listen and so willing to be loved by Him. A child so accepting of Him that He he visits her in a way much different than that of an adult. He, knowing she will listen and He knowing she will share her moments with Him. I have no doubt that Cassi was visited by the Son that night. To some this is only a dream but to me and to her it is very much a reality.

This, once again a lesson from Him on the things from above from the heart and mind of a child.

The journey to better health

2005-11-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting in front of this computer choosing to put in a small entry instead of getting a little cleaning done. Think I am going to put that cleaning stuff off until tomorrow. Today I do plan to concentrate on a little laundry. YUCK! The work never ends!

I just started to get back into exercising again. 6 weeks has past since the birth of our little one, so it is time to kick into gear.
I hate to exercise but I feel really good once it is done. I am also trying to pay more attention to my eating habits. I struggle with my biggest temtations. Soda and chocolate. I can't be to stict about it. I figure if I am too strict I am eventually going to go off the deep end and binge on them both. I am taking everything in moderation approach.

In reality I only need to loose about 15 pounds to get back to the weight I once was before my little boy was born 6 years ago . Take a look at 15 pounds of hamburger meat and that seems like an impossible task in my mind. So, here I go with the journey to better health.
This is a journey that I take which is not easy. I try to remind myself that my body is a temple everytime I see something that will set me over the edge clogging my arteries and adding more fat to my already fat butt. Repeating in my mind ( my body is a temple, my body is a temple, my body is a temple ) It sounds crazy but you gotta think of something to say to yourself while you debate which chocolate dive your going to take. Chocolate pudding, the better choice of course or the chocolate cake.

As thanksgiving approaches I am already going through the menu in my mind. What can I do to keep from indulging? Better yet, why do we feel the need to gorge ourselves silly with so much food?
Why is choosing the lean over the fat always so hard? I wish it was easy but it is not. I pray to be strong when choosing the better nourishment for my body. Better yet, I pray to hate chocolate. ha! No, No, I really don't. I don't think i could every pray that prayer. That is just too cruel to pray.

The feast of germs

2005-11-04T07:32:00.000-08:00

I feel like a big pile of horse crap. Of course I could find a word a little more harsh to describe how I feel but I am being polite. Yesterday it started. A hint of a sore throat maybe a little sinus congestion. The germs are beginning to feast on me! Help, I need help!
Yesterday after noticing my slight irritation I stopped off at the wal-mart to find some meds for this. Hopefully I could stop it before it got to bad. NOT!!! This morning I woke up and was wanting to go back to bed as soon as my eyes opened. I managed to drag myself out from underneath the covers so that I could feed the little one before waking the rest of the chickens.
I have been moving at a snails pace compared to my usual daily routine. Thankfully, my mom is here this week. You know what that means. I get to be a child at least for a little bit. I am not far from finding my way to the couch with my blankie and pillow while she mans the house. My glands are swollen, my throat hurts and yes I am a whiner when it comes to things such as these. I pray this passes quickly. One with 4 children can't afford to be ill for long at all.

Its that time of year. Time for colds, flu, stomach bugs. It is these things that remind me why I chose the 90 degree summer heat over the cool breeze of the fall. Is it summer time yet?

Panic

2005-11-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

Today I had a panic attack. My stomach had butterflies and I just felt sick. Lee was late getting home from work. No call, no word from him. This was very unusual. Normally if Lee is going to be late he lets me know so that I don't worry. After about an hour after his usual arrival time I began to get a little anxious. Who am I kidding. I got a lot anxious. I had that fight or flight feeling. Panic sinking in. There was a wreck and a bad one in town. A road we frequent often. Calling the cell phone and no answer, just voice mail. I must have called 30 times. Still no word and 1 hour and 30 minutes after normal arrival time. I am definitely having a major attack at this point. Thoughts running through my mind. Satan attacking and doing a very good job. All the horrible scenarios of what could be going through my head. Suddenly Lee arrives. I stormed out the door and asked where have you been. The conversation went like this.

Amy : Where have you been?
Lee : Trying to call you! I must have called you 20 times. Did you check your voice mail.
Amy : No message left on voice mail. The phone has not been ringing at home or on the cell phone.
Lee : Well I tried to call you to let you know what was going on and I would be late.
Amy : Sobbing
Lee : Amy, it is okay
Amy : I was so scared. There was a wreck and I thought you might have been involved because it is not like you not to call.
Lee : But I did call.
Amy : I did not know it cause the phone did not ring.

You get the picture.
Our phone was on the blink of course. You could call out but people where having trouble calling in. Lee's cell was low on battery so that explained his inability to answer. He was late getting off work and had to stop somewhere on the way home. All this he tried to relay to me but due to off the wall circumstances was unable to. It took me a while to stop crying because I was letting go of the stress. Some may think this was really stupid of me and maybe so but this gives you a glimpse of the mind of one who had the worry gene and it can run deep I may add..Those of us who have it know we can get a little crazy!

I have not had a panic attack since high school. I used to have them a lot back then. That is another story that I may go into soon. It is not fun and I could definitely do without them. Lee said "Amy you must have a little faith." Just goes to show you coming from a long line of worriers. Some curses are hard to get rid of.

Thank you Lord for calming my self induced storm.

Reality check

2005-10-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

I experienced something a little different yesterday. Something I would have never dreamed of doing some 10 years ago. Something that took me out of my comfort zone more than I expected it to. We, my family went to church yesterday morning. Took our children to worship time for kids their age and we all worshiped the Lord as we normally do each and every Sunday. Once church was over we went to eat a little lunch and then off once again to another church service. A friend of ours does a little volunteer work at this service and he asked us if we wanted to check it out. Out of curiosity, we said we would probably come by.

The church has no building, because the people who attend meet under the interstate. The church has no pews, because the ground is the only seating available. Yes my friend, call it a street church cause that is exactly what it was.

We pulled up and I thought man, I feel really outta place here. First time, I felt overdressed instead of underdressed. We got out and Cameron played a little hacky sack with a few people who to him where just having a bit of fun. They were just normal people to him. As I watched him, I stood wondering what their story was. What have they experienced in life that brought them to this place in time.
Soon, it was time for the service to begin. As we gathered, songs began to be lifted. Among the sound of the traffic, breathed life from an accordion and guitar played by two men who looked to be the age of my parents. They, volunteers in this church of the most unusual kind. Once the music ceased, the word was brought out of the mouth of a 22 year old young man. A man with a passion for the hungry, the homeless, the addict. I listened and looked around. I thought to myself how surreal it is that I am standing here.
I realized I was in the middle of uncharted territory. Their reality, much different from my own. I got a bath this day, many of them did not. I could choose to eat a fine breakfast that day if I desired, while many of them were searching for their next meal. I could go home and my only addiction be the craving of dr. Pepper and chocolate, while some of them probably longed for something much stronger not to mention illegal.

The sermon was about judging, the adulterous woman and the line drawn in the sand. I sat there thinking, please don't judge me. We are here looking nice and pretty, almost like a million bucks. I am humbled and realized how greatly I have been blessed. I am saddened because I realize this is the test. The test of how christlike you really want to be and I am not so sure I passed. I realized, that my reality as a christian may not be quite a true reality. I live in a fantasy world, a fairytale world and these, the least of them live in the real one.

I am not sure what I think about myself after this. I think I realized I am not quiet the chrisitan I thought I once was. This reality is a hard one to take.

Is it time for a Coffee break

2005-10-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it through the first week back into an old routine with one more teaspoon of sugar added to the cup. I have been getting through 3 nighttime feedings, rising in the morn anywhere between 4:30 am and 5:30 am to get my crew going for the day. I am keeping my mornings flowing with an all time high of two cups of coffee each day and so far just two cat naps this week. Needless to say I am a little more sleep deprived than I am used to. Am I doing a good job so far? That is a question only my husband can answer. Keeping the house clean? It is not up to my standard but it is not too bad yet. Is the laundry getting done? Surprisingly, I am on top of that one. Am I cooking supper? yes, every night except for two and it has been on the table by 5:30pm. I will admit my lack of sleep has made me a little unpleasant and short at times but I am trying to make myself aware of my words and tone.

I know, I know you guys are thinking, Where is Lee in all this. He has been left out of that work mentioned in the top paragraph. Don't worry, he pulls his weight. Daily bikerides, baseball games in the yard, comic book reading and nightly bath duty. oh, and he is in charge of getting all the 3 oldest munchies of the bunch to sleep each night. So, don't think he is sitting by letting me get everything done. Team effort, he and I. That is how it goes and for now, gotta play ball. Wait, isn't it time for a coffee break ?

I need to have millions

2005-10-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well, for the last three weeks Lee has been off of work and man it has been great. He went back to work this week and I am missing him much. We have a good time just doing nothing. So far I have been managing to juggle 4 children to and from school as well as keep the house in decent shape although I do have to slow down a bit from time to time. There is a reason why it takes six weeks to recover from having a baby. I tend to forget that I am only into week four. Anyway, I wish that LEe could be with us all the time. I wish that we were millionares and we could both be stay aat home parents. I wish that we could have that luxury. Wouldn't it be nice. Man, I wish I could win the lottery but then again you have to play to win. Ha! Life is definately good but it could be better if I only had a million dollars. Ha!

Its Good to have neighbors

2005-10-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

Our weekend was good. I sat back watching and thinking that we are truly blessed. Saturday evening as I tended to our new little one, Lee and the rest of the bunch went outside for a bit of baseball fun. I decided to go out and check on them once I got Lani settled. I walked outside only to notice a neighborhood ballgame going on among kids. What fun, I thought. The kids played and had such fun. As it began to get a little dark outside our neighbor decided it would be good to start a bonfire and roast some hotdogs. So three sets of neighbors and many children gathered for a little more fun. I bundled Lani up and we headed next door kids in tow. The hot dogs got roasted and we all headed up the hill to eat and visit out by the pool. As I made sure that the kids were settled and had all they needed someone noticed the moon. "Look, the rays from the moon are making a cross. We all looked up and someone said that must mean Jesus is looking after us". I found a great sense of satisfation in the mist of our company. We sat visiting and laughing until we finally decided it was time to get the kids home and off to bed. As we sat I glanced at our moon, at our cross, and found great comfort.
When we finally decided to leave we walked across the yard back into our own yard and as Lee and I laid in bed talking that evening he said. "Walking across the yard I just felt good." I said yes, so did I. Neighbors are good. Especially the ones we have.

Do unto others

2005-10-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

I got a little bit of a taste of what Lee is like in his work environment. Lee always trys to go to work with a positive attitude. Wants to help in any way he can and make a difference. He wants others to see Christ in him by the way he works and treats his coworkers. I got a little glimpse of what they are seeing in Lee as I went to the hospital to give birth.

We were greeted with smiles from the emergency room to the delivery room to the mother baby unit where we spent two days. No wait for us and every where I turned they knew Lee on a first name basis. Did I wait for anything? No, I did not. Was I well taken care of? You better believe I was. Whatever I needed, they made sure I got. Whatever Lee needed they made sure he got. Spend as much time in recovery as you need, we are not gonna rush you outta here. I spent most of the evening in recovery and at one point there was a knock on the door. Some of lee's Co-workers made their way to see the new little addition to our home. Lee opened the door, baby in hand and all I could hear were the voices of happiness for him and the oohs and ahhs over our blessing.

You see I got a glimpse of how Lee treats others that he works with whether they are in the pharmacy or on another floor of the hospital. I got a glimpse of the way he treats them by the way they treated me and how they enjoyed just seeing him there and being able to participate in some small way in the birth of a friends baby.
There is no doubt in my mind or heart that Lee is doing his best to let the light within him shine and because he does we were truly blessed. There is nothing like the heart of my husband and I am so glad it is mine.

Still Traveling the blue brick road

2005-10-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am still traveling through the baby blues. My days have been a little better, but there are moments that I just want to weep. I am hiding it well I think. I know this will pass, but it can be a bit of a struggle. I picked up some film that we had developed yesterday. It was film that captured the moments of our baby's birth. I looked through them remembering moment by moment each blissful second of that day. I wish in some way I could stop time and hold onto it a little longer ya know.

I was watching Oprah the other day. Her guest was Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah has one child, a preschooler. Oprah asked Sarah if she wanted to have another child and she replied that she would like to. She said that she enjoyed pregnancy and she can remember thinking to herself when she delivered her little boy the following sentiment. "I can't wait to do this again." I think this is sums up what I have thought each time I had a child. That must be one of the reasons why I have four of them.

As I type, my newborn is lying quietly in her bouncy seat sleeping. To me a she is a glimpse of an angel. The other day, Lee got ready to go somewhere and as always he kisses us all before he goes. I was holding the newest member of our little family when he came over to kiss her. He kissed her gently and stated It is almost like kissing God. I had to agree. I think in our children God shows us a glimpse of Him. In a newborn, we are able to see His gentleness, His majesty, His miracles. In a newborn we are given the gift of what His unconditional love is and what it is meant to be.

I hope that soon the baby blues will fade but for now it is causing me to examine more than I ever thought I would.

Baby blues

2005-10-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing the baby blues. You know, that lovely time after childbirth where your emotions are in chaos. I don't think I quiet have the kinda blues that most women have.
For some, the sadness has to do with change, sleep deprivation along with a hormonal plumit. Some women have trouble bonding to their new bundle of joy. I am the complete opposite.
I love evey moment and cant get enough of it.
To sum up what I am going through right now would have to be put like this. While pregnant I longed for a skinny body, Now I long for my huge stomach. I miss it. I miss life inside of me. I miss feeling and guessing what little parts of her are pushing up against my ribs. I miss hicups she used to get and the heartburn I used to have..
I love looking at her now but wish that time would stand still because I know she will only be this tiny for a while. I ache at the thought of not being pregnant just once more or having the birth experience once again. I have 4 children so you would think that I have had enough. I don't understand all these feelings and it is hard for me to even work it through in my own soul much less try to explain to someone else. I must be crazy. I wonder if I will be able to look at a woman who is pregnant in the future and in some way not be jealous. I sometimes pray God will take the desire out of my heart.

This is my postpartum nightmare.

The miracle

2005-09-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

I once heard it said that the closest that a woman will get to God on earth is at the time when she is pregnant and then in childbirth. I would say that I agree with this statement. I have spent the last nine months searching and praying about the birth of my fourth child. I have prayed about our family, our children, my life with my husband and our future as a family. It has been a time in which God has spoke deep into my soul and assured me of his presence.

My fourth child came into our world a week ago today. I replay her birth in my mind over and over again. Every moment etched into my memory never to be forgotten. I replay the experience of each birth each year when we celebrate another birthday. It is this miracle that keeps me coming back for more. I always said I wanted at least two children. I was an only child and so I always wanted at least one more than that. Once I had two children we said one more would be good and so three sounded like a good number. After we had our third child I just wasn't sure this was the end. Lee and I both would agree that there was an incompleteness and so we talked of having just one more. We would both agree that our little bundle as all the others was meant to be. No sooner had we begun to think of having another child did we find out one was on the way.
Many think that having more than the standard 2.5 children per household is insanity. Not me, the more the better. Shortly before I gave birth I remembered one of my most favorite psalms. Contained in its verses was the following.
It came to me as we sat at the dinner table one evening. Psalm 128 "Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes, your household lush as a vineyard, The children around your table as fresh and promising as young olive shoots. Stand in awe of God's Yes. Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!"
I sat at the table admiring the blessings around me with one seat left soon to be filled. Children filling and surrounding the table.
Yes, I am a bit saddened. If I thought I could have 4 more I probably would in a heartbeat. There is just something about giving birth and holding the miracle of God in your arms for the first time. It is this that causes my heart to long for just one more miracle. The miracle of a newborn child..

Father, thank you for these great blessings. Keep your precious hand upon us.

Be Creative

2005-09-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

"Every child is an artist.The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up." Pablo Picasso

I saw this quote yesterday and it has sat in my head swimming around. I think about how true it is. My children love to create. They love creating anything and the sky is the limit with their imagination.
I think back to when I was a child. I love art. This love began at a very early age.. Sit me down with crayons and paper and I could stay there for a while. Never had a problem with what I wanted to create.
As I grew engaging the imagination became more of a challenge. I no longer was creating an original but rather trying to reacreate. My creating became more of an manipulation of how could master the colors and the lines into exactly what I was looking at and trying to replicate on paper or canvas. How realistic can I make it look. How perfect can I actually get it to the real thing.
Knowing I was limited in my artistic ability my ideas never came out the exact way I had in mind. This would be such frustration for me. With this frustration came a lack of desire to sit down and create. My view of creativity was not what it should have been. It was limited and lost over time in some way which I am unsure at to what time or place it got lost.

I realize now that being an artist is less about ability and more about a creative force and imagination. If I sat down today to paint a picture you would never be able to tell what it was supposed to be. It might mean something to me that I may not be able to express in words. It would be raw, uninhibited and free but it would speak a story to me that may not be able to be seen by you. It would be abstract.
I love the freedom of abstract art. What it means to me could mean something totally different to you. It allows us both to enjoy it but it gives us both the freedom to see something that is meaningful and completely personal. It allows us both to be creative in our own way and to me that is art.
I notice with my children, sometimes they draw pictures that I think looks like one thing but to them it is something totally different. For them difference in what each of us sees in the picture is just fine, in fact it is great.

I think that God tries to teach us many things through the eyes of a child and one of them is creativity. The possibilities are endless and the colors you use in your picture can vary. They never have to be exactly the same, There are many ways to capture the essence of Him in a variety of colors. I don't think people get that these days. The one force that surrounds us with so much creativity and allows us to see it in all that He has created somehow gets boxed in with only certain colors allowed to be squeezed onto the palet. The colors are then carefully placed on the canvas with lines drawn specifically, each line being carefully manipulated and mastered giving all that view the masterpiece the exact same picture.
Some find it fascinating while others find it dull and boring. Some love the masterpiece and come back to view it as much as they can while others find the masterpiece lifeless and they would say it just is not worth spending time looking at.

I wonder how pleased He would be if we would just mix the shades and allow Him to be a little more abstract. Allowed Him to create and see Him like we never have before. Allow Him to create a multitude of masterpieces and not just one. Allow Him to be seen in a variety of ways and a variety of colors. I believe if we all could remain the artist we once were when we were children our picture of Him might be a little more colorful and possibly just a little less boring. How cool would that be?

The Watermelon Patch

2005-09-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

We currently have a watermelon patch growing in our back yard by our swimming pool. A few months ago Lee noticed this little plant which he said looked a lot like a watermelon plant. I said this could not be possible because we have not planted any watermelons. We don't plant anything.
Anything that is green and requires anykind of care I especially don't grow. I don't have a green thumb so all my plants usually suffer and wither away. Anyway this plant continued to grow and grow until one day we noticed these blooms. As of this past week we have taken about 5 watermelons off of this plant. I just can't believe it. This is so weird. One of the seeds from a watermelon we got months ago must have fallen to the ground producing this plant. I am sure that in the past the same thing has happened but produced no results such as this.
Lee is in the kitchen now eating on some of the watermelon and getting ready to cut up some more. I don't think we have ever had this much watermelon in one summer.
We have a family that we sponsor through world vision. They live in a country in which farming is their means of survival. We love to hear from them and Cameron and Cassi have learned that this is our family far away. Lee and I always say that one day it would be cool to meet them face to face. Anyway, the mother of this family has been encouraging us to plant pumpkins. She so wants cameron to do this and so I have told her that we will try it one day soon. I told Lee that I think that our family is praying over the crop of pumpkins we are planning to plant and we have ended up with watermelons before we have even tried our hand at a pumpkin patch. There is something inside of me that is almost sure this is what has taken place. I plan to tell our family about our watermelons in our next correspondence. I know that the eldest member will be so pleased and I can't wait to tell her all about it.

Happy Birthday!

2005-09-10T04:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Lee!!! Yes, today is Lee's birthday. He would say, no big deal just another day.
Here is our birthday conversation, as it goes just about every year.

Amy : What do you want for your birthday Lee?
Lee: Nothing, already got it. So, don't need nothing.
Amy : You sure you don't want just a little something?
Lee: No, don't need nothing.
Amy :What do you want for supper? Want me to cook you something special?
Lee : Oh, don't matter. I can grill something for you if you like.
Amy : Wait, it's your birthday, I did not ask you to cook for me. I want to know what I can cook for you. Want a cake?
Lee : Don't matter
Amy : What kinda cake you want me to bake you?
Lee : Don't care, whatever you want.
Amy : At this point, I am screaming! Its not my birthday, its yours, its not my cake its yours. Your driving me crazy now. Of course this is a conversation that I am having in my head and not out loud.

So with this conversation Here is what Lee's birthday will be like. What is his present? He says it is the children and me so he doesn't need anything else. What is he having for his birthday supper? He is grilling hamburgers for us. What kinda cake is he getting? Chocolate, Its my favorite. Hey, look at the above conversation and realize what I am working with here.

This is a typical birthday for Lee every year. I just love him. What is it that I love about this man? If you know Lee well enough then you know he is the real deal. He is who he says he says he is. Believes what he says he believes, and does what he says he will do. You never have to guess with him. He is very smart but I don't think he realizes exactly how smart he really is. He is a man who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it and my children are learning greatly from his generous spirit. He is a gentle giant in my opinion. A gentle ole teddy bear with a giant ole heart. He is in my opinion the best that God could give me in a husband. He takes care of me, thanks me every night for supper whether it tastes any good or not. Helps me whenever I ask him too, with whatever I ask him to help me with. You see with Lee, and our relationship it is never about him it is just about me, the children and what is best for us and what we need. That is who he is. This is the Lee I know and I am so thankful for.

I could go on and on about Lee. The blog would be never ending and you would eventually be sick of all the good things I had to say. Is he perfect? No, but do I think he is? The answer is in my eyes he is pretty darn close.

Happy Birthday Lee! I know you always wanted to hear me say that last line. Ha!

Why Stay?

2005-09-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

Last night my mom asked me How do you know you should stay living where you are? Don't you think you should move closer to family. Family is in Louisiana. Right now, Louisiana is not where I would want to live. We don't feel led to move back there. Right now, there are obvious reasons but, besides that there are other reasons for the lack of desire to move back. How do I know if I should live here? How do I know I should not move farther away from here? There is no doubt that hurricane season puts the thought of uprooting everything in the minds of many but, right now what would be driving the motivation to move? Fear. Should that be the motivating factor? I don't think so.

Why do we stay? I come from a small town in North Louisiana. It is a small community and you would think close knit. Sure, most everyone knows everyone but, it is not what I would consider a tight knit community. There is a line in the movie Steel Magnolias which by the way is based on the town I am from. The scene is set where Weezer one of the towns well known asks a newcomer to the community a question. The question is this. "Who are your people" " I know everyone in this town so Who are your people?" The first time I saw this scene I laughed because I thought to myself, They nailed that on the head.
Where I am from community is about who your people are. You have new money or are you from old money. I am sure many natives would be so mad at my writing this but honestly this is how I have seen it all my life. Outsiders are not always welcome. Newcomers are threatening. Threatening to the history, to the elites to the popular kids you could say. It is kinda like highschool on a much bigger scale. I don't mean to sound so critical but this is just how I have seeen it over the years and the way it has always been. It is sad but unfortunately pretty darn accurate.

So, back to why do we stay here. There is a sense of community that we, both Lee and I have not ever seen before. We have learned that and seen that in the aftermath of these hurricanes. We have been blessed here with more than I can even list. We have good neighbors , good friends, good schools and that is only a small portion of what and how we have been blessed. There have been opportunities to serve others and opportunities for our children to learn from that service. Do you give up these things to run from future hurricanes that you may or may not experience? Do you give up those things out of a spirit of fear?
Lee asked me a question the other day and the question was this. "What if we looked at ourselves as missionaries, would we move then?" My answer was no. So with that, I think I just may have answered my mother's quesiton as to why do you stay.

Can it be broken?

2005-08-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

I come from a long line of worry. I guess you could say it is the curse that looms over us generation after generation. Can it be broken? Not so sure. I try but sometimes my efforts are derailed. Last night I spent time on the phone with my mom, whom God bless her can hang with the best of all worry warts. She is full of what if scenario's and being that right now she is hearing every horror story known to man concerning Ms. katrina it leaves her head full of thoughts that are not from our good Lord.
What if this happened? What if that happened? There are many situations that will fog her brain and I try my best to demise all the what if scenarios but as she would so often say about me, she just won't listen.
Right now she is sick because even though she is in North Louisiana she is worried that she will be unable to get here for the arrival of her new grandbaby. Circumstances at the moment prove travel from there to here to be impossible. Could she get here? Yes, but it would be much longer in uncharted territory to arrive at the wanted destination. I have a few weeks until the due date but for those few weeks she will worry constantly about it. I am here in Florida and what am I worried about? I am worried about her worry. How dysfunctional is that?
Recently I read a blog that stated that we ultimately betray God when we allow our fear, doubt and worry take over and overwhelm us. I never have heard of it quiet like that before but I guess you could say that is the truth. Am I denying God in a sense when I allow fear to overtake me, when I allow worry to invade my mind? Ultimately I guess so because God does not give us a spirit of fear but of a sound mind and when I give into my fear, my worry then I am giving in to the darkness that looms and longs to take us down. I am denying God is good and His promises hold true. For every time He has kept me safe I replace it with a thought of disaster. That is betrayal isn't it. It is like slapping Him in the face.
The battle of fear and worry is a spiritual one. One that I alone cannot fight. My Lord has to fight it for me. Flooding my mind and heart with His words on the subject helps me in the midst of the battle. .
In my heart the curse of worry comes from the lack of trust in God. Worriers often don't believe that God will come through on His promises. For me there are certain verses that have been a reminder of how God wants me to believe in His promises and not give in to the lies I often get told. It is much easier sometimes to believe the lies rather than to believe the promise. The promise almost seems to good to be true and worriers always know that doom lies right around the corner. So, I press on fighting the battle and trying desperately to break the curse. I try to break it for my mother as much as I do for myself and those that I will raise into adulthood. I ask for God to guard our minds and to bring back to mind and heart His promises and His goodness and faithfulness to do that I must saturate myself into the book. The book that holds His character and speaks of it to me believing the truth of who He really is and not the lies that I often fall victim too.

Praying for the storm to calm

2005-08-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

Then he got in the boat, his disciples with him. The next thing they knew, they were in a severe storm. Waves were crashing into the boat - and he was sound asleep! The roused him, pleading, "Master, save us! We're going down!"

Jesus reprimanded them. "Why are you such cowards, such faint-hearts?" Then he stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quitet down; "Silence!" The sea became smooth as glass.

The men rubbed their eyes, astonished. "What's going on here? Wind and sea come to heel at his command!"

Father, I ask your mercy upon your children. Calm the wind and the waves. Weaken the storm, which is under your command. Grant us provision and protection. Quiet the waters. In Jesus name I pray.

I have wondered

2005-08-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering something lately. There are lots of debates in the Chrisitian world about different types of churches, styles of worship, ways and subjects of preaching and teaching. I am of course not here to debate any of them. In my opinion to each his own as long as long as truth is truth is truth.
My wondering as of late has been this. Do people hear enough about the love of God? Do we know the true character of God as a loving Father? I would say most of the world has a warped sense of God's love. Our earthly fathers sometimes do not do the best job at modeling love in a way that would demonstrate even in the smallest of ways the love of our heavenly father. So, my answer would be no. We do not know enough about the love and loving character of our Father.

How does the teenager or adult who was verbally, mentally, physically abused by their earthly father view their heavenly one? How does the child who has a dad who is an alcoholic and untrustworthy in every way see the Lord above? These people probably would doubt the goodness of God, doubt his trustworthiness and faithfulness simply because these attributes have been lost in their own life and they have never even seen a glimpse of it or even heard of His love expressed in a manner they can hold on to. Therefore they struggle with the Father's love, goodness, faithfulness, trustworthiness and so on.

Some would argue that their are churches out there that preach too much of what they would consider a feel good sermon while others would argue some churches preach too much sin and not enough grace.

I admit there are times I struggle with the character of God. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe He loves me as much as He says he does. It is hard for me to believe that His promises will hold water from time to time. I think we all struggle with that.

Last night I was listening to a preacher of a mega church. This man normally gives a positive sermon that is applical to everyday encounters. He doesn't go without scripture references but there is no doubt that some would consider him a feel good preacher. As I sat there hearing a sermon that I know I needed to hear I wondered, maybe there is something to his strategy of preaching. Giving poeple ultimately hope and laying out the love of God in a way they may have never known before.
Isn't that ultimately what we all desire? Don't we ultimately desire love, unconditional acceptance and a glimmer of hope from a loving Father? Maybe people are flocking too churches who give these positive looks at scripture week after week because they are looking for Love. Maybe they are looking for the love they know exist but they constantly need to be reminded of.
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Don't get me wrong, I do believe we must understand sin, consequences and a proper fear of God but, if we truely understand the Love of God and His character of Love wouldn't it be much harder to sin against Him? Do we have a proper balance in our churches today so that people have a proper understanding of both. Some would say people don't come to church because they sin and they don't want to be convicted of that sin so they avoid going there. I wonder if there a possiblity that maybe they are not going to church because if they do ultimately they leave feeling worse than they did before they walked through the doors because we lack describing and projecting God's love in a way that leaves them pondering who they are and what they mean to the Father above. Most are living the way that they do because they don't love themselves and they don't believe anyone else does either so why bother trying. If no one else loves them then certainly God won't either.

I am not bad mouthing religon, church or any of the sort. These are just simply little things I think about time to time. It is my own wonderings provoked by nothing other than my own struggle of spirit. Over the past few weeks I have wondered the above and for some unknown reason felt the need to type it down.

The ministry of children

2005-08-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

Of course by now those who check out this little blog know that my oldest has just started school. The little man comes home daily with many stories to tell and, Lee and I sometimes wish we could be a fly on the wall throughout the day to hear these conversations.

The other day I got a glimpse of why my child is in public school and not home schooled. For many this is a big debate and the opinions about it are strong. I am not hear to debate it because for each person it is a personal choice.
I have always believed it is important for Children who are brought up in a Christian home should attend the public school. We have a tendency to separate ourselves out so much that I think sometimes in doing so even with the best intentions can result in the negative.
Take myself for instance, I went to a private Christian school throughout elementary and middleschool. I made a decision to go into the public school system for my high school years. Although I was not homeschooled I was very sheltered in my private Christian school environment. Going into the public school system was a shock to my system and my adjustment to the differences around me left me frightened and wondering if I could really adjust to the real world. I soon adjusted only to see some of my friends in the private Christian school dabbling in the things that I was not approached with in the public school system. I often think that it was a blessing for me to leave the private world and go into the public one. As strange as it might sound I may have kept myself out of a little drug use by my decision to go from one school to another. At first glance no one might believe such but, it is true. What my friends at my old private school were doing was a far cry from what my friends in the public school were doing.

Anyway, back to my cameron story. These little one's have what they call a traffic light in their classroom. They have four colors and you always want to stay on the green color. The green allows for you to obtain a happy face for the day and if you continue through the week with a happy face you are allowed a trip to the treasure basket for a prize.
Each day cam has come home telling us about one little boy who is unable to stay on green. He likes the color orange or red which utilmately gets him a call home or a trip to the principal. The teacher has explained to the class that they need to help the little boy try to do good so that he too can get happy faces. Cam said, "mama, I talked to him at lunch. I told him that we are trying to help him and he needed to listen and do good." He was very serious about this conversation that he had with his rebellious little friend but for the last two days the little boy has managed to get happy faces. Something must be working. It seems the children have found a way to band together and help the little boy in some way. The challenges of helping others will get bigger as the children age. I hope that as parents we equip them well so that they are the light they are called to be among others who need to see a glimpse of it even in the smallest of situations. I often think that if I homeschooled or has him in a private school my tendency to equip him for the world might not be as much of a priority as it is to me know. I would not be dealing with it as much if that makes any sense. I think my guard would be down and so my ability to be honest about how the world really is and how we as Christians are to deal with the issues and not hide from it may not be as strong. Granted by highschool I might think differently but right now, I want my children to see the world with eyes wide open and be able to handle it and change the world around them because they undertand the world as it really is. A world that is good, bad, pretty, ugly, but a world that needs them and needs them in it not of it.

This week I learned children have a ministry and sometimes they do a much better job at it than we do.

Is it nesting

2005-08-12T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, school has started and my little man is a pro. He has done really well adjusting to being a school boy. I so look forward to our talks each day so I can find out all about his day. He gladly tells me everything about it and I am cherishing it.

I have surprised myself over the past couple of weeks. Anyone who knows me well, knows I like to get my sleep. I really need about 8 hours and I would gladly take more if given the opportunity. Before school we all would sleep until about 7:30 or 8:00. This has become late for me since having children. Long gone are the days of sleeping until 10 or 11. In highschool I had been known to sleep until 12 or 1 in the afternnoon. Anyway, for the last two weeks I have been up anywhere from 5:30 to 5:45 each morning. I have acutally put on makeup, got beds made, and kids ready to head out the door by 6:45 am. This is a minor miracle for me so excuse a little bragging.

I have found that I am a little addicted to my organization these days. Clothes for school are picked out and put in place for each day a week ahead of time. Furniture is dusted more than once a week, laundry is done daily, so it has not piled up on me. Floors have been mopped serveral times a week. Dishwasher unloaded and dishes put away each night before going to bed. Some say your just nesting and this may be the case. I may be singing a whole different tune once our baby arrives and I am getting no sleep at all. For now I am enjoying keeping on top of things. That is wierd isn't it. This is a trait my Lee has that somehow has rubbed off on me recently. It is a good trait to have these days especially with 3 children. Like I said when baby comes it may all go out the window but for now, nesting has its benefits.

Being an only child, your used to doing things your own way when you feel like it. Your usually in no hurry and most of the time someone is doing it all for you. I fall back in that mode whenever I go home to visit my parents. Of course my mom gladly does it but these days I don't have that option. Selfish behavior is out of the picture. I have the greatest job in the world. The job of stay at home mommy and wife. I am blessed. I have heard many complain about this job and how they would much rather be out in the working world. Me, I would not have it any other way. This is the best job ever and I thank God for it even when I am very unorganized.

starting school

2005-07-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

School is getting ready to begin. My oldest is getting ready to start kindergarten. He is ready. I am not. We have been through orientation and we have seen his classroom and met his teacher. I feel like I am starting school all over again. As we walked the halls, Cam is thinking that there is a lots of cool stuff on the walls to look at. His mommy is thinking but, I am not thinking things are so cool.
My mind is racing. Man, this school sure seems big. This is a long hall we have to go down to get to his classroom. How are they ever going to keep up with my baby? How many kids are in his class? You mean they have to learn to read, do some math and science. What happened to the kindergarten that I remember as a child. There was none of that stuff. ABC's, colors, snack and nap. Yeah, what happened to that?
This sure is a far cry from preschool. I want to go back, back to preschool. I am rebelling! I am going back. Back to the simplicity of preschool. No pressure, no threat of being lost. Lots of hugs and snacks!! Daily art projects and chapel time.
Can't beat it! Preschool is super cool.
What, Kindergarten starts at 7:25am! How is my baby possibly going to get up that early and function. Better yet, how am I? Wait, in the good ole days I started school at 8:00am and no earlier. What happened to that? WHAT, WHAT DID YOU SAY? THERE ARE CLOSE TO 900 STUDENTS IN THIS SCHOOL. How are you going to keep up with my baby? Yes, again How are you going to keep up with my precious jewel. The pressure, I don't know if I can take it. I am pretty sure Cam can. Mommy is a whole nother story. Homeschooling, that sounds really good right now. Lee's idea is getting better and better. Don't be fooled. Daddy is having just as hard of a time with this kindergarten thing as me. Yep, you got it call us Mr. and Mrs. Wimp

The school will be having a boo hoo breakfast. I think I may need to attend. I think they need a boo hoo breakfast, lunch and supper. I think they need to do this everyday for the first week! Ha

boo Hoo!!

Cleaning up the mess

2005-07-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

Since we have been back from our little trip to avoid the hurricane fun we have been busy trying to clean up the mess Dennis left behind. I have spent most of the time trying to clean up the house, catch up on laundry and keep dirt swept up that is being tracked in and out of the house. Lee has spent time picking up tree limbs, trees, cutting down trees etc. Hurricane's are a big inconvenience but one thing is for sure it does leave memories. For many, the memories are of disaster. Homes are lost, the storm surge wipes away their comforts and they begin a process of deciding if they want to rebuild or to move. For us, the memories are less devastating and for that we are forever thankful.
In the last few days I have seen community within our neighborhood. Most of the time we are all busy with our own lives so we pass each other waving and on occasion we stop to talk. This is normal for most neighborhoods but, for the past few days I have seen a side that I have richly enjoyed.
Neighbors, checking to see what needs to be done with other neighbors. Neighbors cleaning up each others mess and patching up what needs to be fixed. Neighbors, sharing meals together, giving out popsicles to the little helpers in the mix. Neighbors, talking and fellowshiping sharing their stories. I could not help but wonder with these moments coming into play how nice it was and how I was attending church in a way I had not attended before. The church taking place in front of my own eyes but yet outside of the building that I call church.
Funny how we can have church anywhere, anytime if we chose to do so and we can do it without even realizing it.
My son told us as we arrived home from our travels, " daddy and I have a lot of work to do. We need to go around to everyone and help them because that is what Jesus wants us to do." Words of wisdom from a little child. Words put into practice with church in attendance.

Oh, ye of little fatih

2005-07-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

I sit here right now still in louisiana. I traveled back here to avoid the hurricane. I left friday with my babies and left my husband behind. This was not a good thing for me. I left empty because part of us was missing and I was unaware of what the weather elements might bring. Daily I sat here watching the news and getting more anxious by the minute as the reports continued to say. Category 3 and probably category 4 by landfall. As I sat one evening I was reminded of the story in the good book. The story of Jesus in the boat with His disciples in the mist of the storm. Oh ye of little faith. Who is this that the winds and the sea obey. He can calm the storm. So, I prayed calm the storm, forgive my lack of faith and protect all you have given and He did

The Gutter by Craig Gross

2005-07-05T06:23:00.000-07:00

I hate to break this news to the world but a lot of people just aren't interested in church anymore! At least not in the traditional pews-and -hymns sense. So it's up to us to take the the church to them.

As long as I'm breaking bad news, here are some statistics you probably don't want to hear: Of Americans in their mid-twenties to early-thirties, only 28 percent regularly attend church, and that number dwindles when you look at people between eighteen and twenty-four, with only 8 percent regularly attending. Eight percent! A generation ago, half our parents and grandparents were dutiful churchgoes, but now young, single and well-educated adults are the least likely group of people in the United States to attend church. By the year 2010, 100 million people who went to church this Sunday will no longer be going.

We must do something, or the Church will not be able to continue thriving like it has in the past. What can we do? The answer is obvious to me- we must get in the gutter. Think about it. where do lost people - the people we need to reach in order to grow our congregations - spend most of their time hanging out? Is it in the Church? Of course not! But instead of going to them, most churches meet and meet and meet some more; pray with Chrisitians, sing with Christians, live with Christians, and eat with Christians.

What is it about the gutter that makes us so afraid?

This is from the book The Gutter by Craig Gross. Craig is a pastor and co-founder of XXXchurch.com. XXXchurch.com is a website devoted to help Chrisitans break addition to pornography. In the two years since this site began it has had more than 50 million visitors.

I have seen Mr. Gross on shows such as Faith under Fire with Lee Strobel. This book is good. Take a look at it if you ever get the chance. It can really challenge you to broaden your view on reaching out to the world.

where are they?

2005-06-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling really pregnant. I was on the computer looking around about information about pregnancy, weight gain during pregnancy, proper nutrition, you know the stuff that paranoid pregant women tend to look for. As I was looking I became a little irritated. There seemed to be a lot of women out there who were hell bent on sharing their weight issues during pregnancy or should I say lack of weight issues. These women gladly shared their stories of how they were in their 7,8 and 9th month of pregnancy but looked as if they were only in their 5th. Some shared how in their 6th month they had only gained a total of 5 pounds. Then to top it off there were pictures of skinny pregnant women showing off their bellies and telling how huge they were.
I kept thinking of all these people, where are the whales? Where are the real pregnant women. Where are the bellies that look as if an alien invasion has taken place. Where are the women who by their 6th month have already gained the required 25 to 30 pounds during pregnancy. Where are the women who have stretch marks, swollen ankles, 3 chins and the butt the size of Texas. Where are the women like me???????

It seems lately everywhere I look I see a pregnant ladies but, ladies who I would describe as a pretty, skinny, pregnant ladies. You know the kind. The girls who have one area of weight gain and that is shown in the basket ball of her belly. Can't I ever see a preggo that looks bigger than me so I can feel just a tiny bit better about this body I do not recognize.

Yes, I am ranting and raving today. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I am blessed to be able to carry around this blessing from above. I know there are so many who would long to be in my shoes. I realize this but when the hormones kick into overdrive and the third trimester starts to begin the glow begins to fade. Should I say it fades when looking at someone in the same boat as you but they are looking and bouncing around so well.

For all those preggo's out there who don't look so cute while pregnant I sympathize but for those of you who are cute as a button while pregnant, do us less fortunate a favor, keep your pictures to yourself. Ha!

Father's day

2005-06-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yep, today is Father's day and I hope all you dads out there are having a good one.

Father's day for us will be spent resting up with a little ballgame at the end of the day. Lee has expressed a desire to go to see our local Pelicans play so he can get a glimpse of a legend. We will happily do whatever he desires for this special day so this evening we will be eating junk food and soaking up a little baseball fun.

I am so thankful for God giving me a husband who desires to be not only a great husband but a Father his children will love so much they just can't stand it.
Cameron had a t-ball tournament that started on friday and Lee was determined for cameron not to miss out. Lee was working nights this week and needless to say since friday he only got 2.5 hours of sleep in efforts to make sure he was there to coach his little man and encourage him as he played. Some would say this is crazy for a 5 year old but they are only this age once so what the heck.
Cameron tells me so often that he wants to be just like his daddy. All of our children light up when he walks in the door and I have no doubt that through him they will understand their heavenly father more with each passing day. I am blessed and today I honor my husband and Father to my little one's. May God bless us and may we together continue to strive to raise His children leading them and training them so that they may make a difference in the world around them. May Christ be seen in them and in us.

The simplicity of a childs world

2005-06-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

This week has been Vacation Bible School at our church. Every morning I have been getting up and getting everyone ready to rush out the door by 8:20 am. This has left little time to visit with my beloved and I have missed my morning talks.
For VBS, I have been handling registration. This is one of the easier jobs of VBS but by the days end I am exhausted. Heck I am tired by the time I get to VBS. Running around after 3 little ones and carrying another drags you down a bit. I got two of the three off to class a little early this morning and since I did not think the nursery worker had yet arrived to care for my smallest I plopped her into my lap while I awaited the arrival of any new bible schoolers.

As we sat there it was just the two of us. There did not seem to be anyone in sight to sign up for VBS. I decided we would sit there for a few more minutes and then I would go check to see if the nursery worker had arrived.
Aly started to get a little excited and suddenly her arm staightened out with her finger pointing up. She saw a bird and boy was she thrilled. Once it flew over her hand went down but her excitement continued. She noticed something that I daily take for granted. The chirping of birds. She would notice the sounds each time the chirping began. I had just told lee the other day that we never hardly notice these little creatures. Part of God's creation that we once again realize exist when our children point them out to us. I have recognized that through our little one's God teaches us to see him in the smallest of things. The things that don't seem to mean much to us in our day to day rush are of great value in the eyes of these little babes. Through these precious jewels we are reminded that God sees the importance in the smallest of details. I love to see life through the eyes of children. They get it in the ways that somewhere along the way we forget. As adults we tend to make things so complex. It is the simplicity in which they see the world in which they live, the love that they so unconditionally give to those they come into contact with which makes them rank so high in the kingdom of Heaven. So often we are so pressed to teach our children this or that. We might be a little better off taking lessons from them in a few areas.

Thank you Father for these little blessings.

Bridezilla

2005-06-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, by now most of you know that I am a reality t.v. show fanatic. Last night I had such a delimma. I had the children asleep and I had a little time to just veg out before bedtime. I started flipping the channels to see what my options where and I realized I had a delimma. There were 3 reality shows on that I really wanted to see. The Bravo channel had Blow out on. For those of you who have never seen this show it is about a guy who owns a salon in Beverly Hills. Yes, the trials and tribulations of charging $500.00 per haircut and creating your own product line. Fortunately, Blow out was a rerun and so I checked out the next option. Intervention was on. This is a show that does not leave you guessing. This documents people and their addictions and the interventions their loved ones opt to put in place. I wanted to watch this show but last night I was not in the mood. I needed something a little more uplifting. I finally decided I would give the show Bridzillas a try. Of course this reality show documents the life of a Bride and the planning of her fairytale wedding.

I am truely amazed at this show and how these poor wemon get lost in the meaning of marriage through a process of plannin a ceremony. It seems that it is all about the dress, the cake, the invitations, the seating chart for the reception, the flowers. Hello, does the Groom exist in any of this? These people were spending anywhere from $40,000 to $100,000 on their wedding. All this preparation created great Hell for the Bride thus turning her into a Bridezilla.

I recently spent a little time with a cousin of mine and his fiance. They are getting married and from what I understand she would like to have the big wedding. They have yet to set a date and being they were in the area attending a wedding of a friend I took a little time to remind them how difficult wedding preparations can be.

I had a very small wedding. One that was nice and believe me on a budget. Even though I had a wedding that was rather simplistic I let my cousin and his loved one know that it did create a lot of undue stress. I look back and barely remember the fine details of it all. I remember being glad the brew ha, ha was over. I was glad to finally be alone with my Groom just being who we are together. My favorite part of my wedding day? The arrival of myself and my new husband into our first home. We sat in the living room with gifts covering the floor. We finally were a family and that realization was the best part of the day.

For those potential Bridezillas out there. Remember what a wedding is really about. Its not the cake or the dress, or the flowers. It is about 3 very important factors. It is about God, you and your very best friend.

The power of influence

2005-06-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Influence - A power indirectly or intangibly affecting a person or a course of events.

What is it that influences you? Is it money, power prestige? Is it the grand idea of what could be and how to make it there? Is it your environment, the way in which you live? Is it the books you read, the church you go to? Is it the people you work with or hang out with or is it the one influence that really matters? Is it Jesus?

We all have something that influences who we are or who we become. Most of the time we are unable to recognize how such things are influencing us. We morph into someone we once were not due to the influences around us. Sometimes that is good and sometimes it is bad. Bad being, like the good ole country boy who one day made a little money gained a little power anf a few more friends and forgot where he came from. In time became he eventually became too big for his britches.

Realize this blog is my thinking outloud. Just things I wonder about not about a specific situation but just something that crossed my mind as of late.

I wonder how often we fool ourselves into thinking we are becoming what God truly has for us because we have let all other influences except for Him mold us into someone we think He wants us to become?

I wonder if, even the good influences can mold us into something different than what God had first intended. Not all bad influences bring about negative consequences. Do we sometimes chose to become like those who influence us day to day instead of becoming like the One who created us.

What of the doctor who once had a passion and compassion to treat and heal, but one day became the doctor who cared more about the money, the number of patients he could fit into His schedule in a day's time.

What influence was it that caused a one time preacher to abandon the faith?

What influence was it that caused the child raised in a Christian home, and educated in a christian school to abandon the very One who created Him and run claiming atheism as His or Her religion.

What influence was it that causes a kind gentle person to turn into a shrewed buisness man or woman who will betray their way to the top?

What influence is it that causes those with such passion for christ to loose it.

what influences the one who vows to be like Christ, preaching, teaching and reaching the lost ,but somehow conforms to what society feels that preaching, teaching, and reaching should look like? Why is it that what man thinks becomes the gospel rather than the Gospel itself?

who is influencing you today? Is it allowing you to be who God intended you to be or is it diluting His precious blood from running threw your veins and being your main influence?

None of this may make any sense to anyone who reads it but it is thoughts that go on in my head that cause this particular blog. As I look at the world around us, As I look at people I know I just wonder when they start to change and become different from who I used to know I often wonder who or what it is that is their influence.

I am whining

2005-06-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is just a post for me to whine a little bit. I am tired, I am huge and I have bouts of insomnia. I have a lot to do and very little time to do it in. I am moving at a slower pace these days. I can't see my feet anymore. I am quick tempered and low on patience sometimes. I am jealous of the thin people out there. I really want to eat a hot fudge Sunday with whipped cream, and double on the fudge but, I opt for frozen pudding in its place. My chin is doubling, my butt is widening and the playmates of my children tell me how fat I am. Couldn't men be pregnant for a change?

Being pregnant is not the most comfortable thing in the world. You hear me! It is not the most comfortable thing in the world.
BUT................
The end result is one of great blessing and reward. After the hours of intense pain that is. Thanks Eve.
It is hard but, I am thankful.

Children are a gift. Thank you God for allowing us that gift.
Please forgive my whine

The Barbarian Way

2005-05-31T17:19:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as a civilized believer and a barbarian believer? According to Erwin Rahpael McManus, the author of the book titled The Barbarian Way there is.

The following is a brief sample of the book. Take a look and think about it.

The civilized build shelters and invite God to stay with them; barbarians move with God wherever He chooses to go. The civilized Chrisitan has a routine; the barbarian disciple has a mission. The civilized believer knows the letter of the law; the barbarian disciple lives the spirit of the law. The religiously civilized love tradition; the barbarian spirit loves challenges. The civilized are satisfied with ritual; barbarians live and thrive in the mystical. For the civilized disciple, religion provides stability and certainty; for the barbarian, a life in God is one of risk and mystery.

And maybe even a little insanity. There's no way to escape that barbarians can appear out of their minds. No reasonable person would ever fully follow God everywhere He calls. God is simply unreasonable.

No matter how we try to spin the story, the Bible is filled with tribes of irrational people. When Noah build the ark, he did not live in a flood zone. When Elijah called fire down from heaven, he had never tried it before. Go ahead. Give it a shot. See if it works for you. I didn't think so. David should have left the giant alone. Hosea never should have married a prostitute. What was Moses thinking when he pointed his staff at the Red Sea- that it would move because he commanded it? And that's just to mention the more popular and highly admired followers of God.

Those people did not live normal lives. Their actions were ludicrous and irrational if you take God out fo the formula. Given proper counseling, they would have known better than to do what they did. The vitality of their life in God moved them beyond the practicality of simply being reasonable. Their lives didn't make sense, their actions defied sensibility, because God drove them out of their senses. Anyone who ever risks listening to God and follwoing His voice knows that to everyone who is deaf to His voice, your actions will seem as if you've gone crazy.

Again, the book is titles The Barbarian Way, unleash the untamed faith within by Erwin Raphael McManus.

What do you think about it?

2005-05-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Drugs Or Jesus"

In my home town
For anyone who sticks around
You're either lost or you're found
There's not much in between

In my home town
Everything's still black and white
It's a long, long way from wrong to right
From Sunday morning to Saturday night

Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
We follow the roads that lead us
To drugs or Jesus

My whole life
I've tried to run,
I've tried to hide
From the stained glass windows in my mind
Refusing to let God's light shine
Down on me
Down on me

Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
There's not much space between us
Drugs or Jesus

Everybody wants acceptance
We all just want some proof
Everyone's just looking for the truth

Everybody just wants to get high
Sit and watch a perfect world go by
We're all looking for love and meaning in our lives
We follow the roads that lead usTo drugs or Jesus

I heard this song the other day by Tim McGraw. It caught my attention. Tell me what ya think about it.

Too Sick

2005-05-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

It started Wednesday evening. The stomach bug straight out of the pit of hell. You know how these things go. It starts with one and makes it way through every member of the household. So far three of us have been down for the count and there are still two more to go. I am praying they are spared but all the while the fear that this scene from the exorist will haunt me once again.

This was no twenty four hour bug at least it has not been for me. I am still drained and fighting for every ounce of energy I can muster. As I lay in the bed tossing and turning the other night I wondered what in the world is going on here. Since January we have been battling colds, bugs, more colds, more bugs, split chins and head lice. Head lice, boy that was a surprise and a shock. Don't ever think it can't happen to you.

What in the world is happening. It has been one thing right after the other. I thought to myself either we are really screwing up or we are doing something halfway right. Lee looked at me last night and said something just isn't right here we have never been sick, this much or this often. I agreed and now I pray for the load to be lightened.

I am a baby. Don't like to be sick. Don't like others to be sick. In fact, I would call myself a woman that is on the verge of germ paranoia. I am the one that would walk around spraying the can fo lysol everywhere I could if it didn't look so ridiculous. I carry around the antibacterial gel and I often feel lost without it. It can be good to be conscious of such things but not so sure it really does the job my brain has convinced me it does.

Thanks to Josh who allowed me a quick exit as he walked through the door waiting for Lee to arrive for our wed. night bible study. I don't even think I even greeted him. I met him at the door in tears begging on the phone for Lee to get home fast and Josh quickly sent me off to my room after my call while he watched the kids and waited for Lee to arrive. It is nice to have friends like that . For those of you brave enough to stick around for the bible study while cam puked you amaze me. You are either all crazy or very committed. If it would have been me, my exit would have been a very quick one. I pray you all are spared from the wrath of those germs.

I am signing out right now. I don't even know if this blog makes any sense at all. I don't quite have all my senses about me but some would say I never have. Ha! Off to rest, clean, rest, wash the germ filled sheets, towels, clothes, rest, and then clean some more. Can I get a break now.

Dreamers

2005-05-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

I started reading a book today that I could not put down. I read it in two hours and I just found it to be a great read. The book is titled Don't Rock the Boat, Capsize it by Rick Bundschuh. It is a book that makes you laugh but makes you think about ministry in a way I haven't always thought about it. Rick does things different and for most it is a ride way out of the comfort zone. It is an interesting read so, if you ever have time check it out.

There is one chapter in the book that I really liked. The chapter is titled The Dreams of God.
Here are just a few bits of it for you to chew on.

Does God have dreams? Does God give dreams to mere mortals like us? If God does give His people dreams, where are our dreamers? I have to guess as to what happeded to them. We crushed them. We strangled their dreams with rolls and rolls of red tape. We stopped our ears to their dreams and told them they were unrealistic. We adopted the role of Joseph's brothers and sneered sarcastically, "Here comes the dreamer!" It is a terrible thing to crush a dream. It not only knocks the breath from dreamers, it sucks out their soul. We often scoff at their ridiculous ideas. We imply they may be spiritually comtaminated, theologically compromised, or heretically inclined.
Every once in a while one will escape and that brings us a St. Francis of Assisi, or a Mother Teresa. Every once in a while one of them actually refuses to let their God-instilled dreams be crushed and creates a wondrous song, magnificant art, a liberating and attactive community of faith. Once someone actually achieves his or her dream it gives permission, even expectation, to others that their dreams have a shot at becoming reality.

Dreaming big seems easy when you see sweet results for other dreamers. Perhaps if we, as a church, spent a bit more time listening to our dreamers and helping them to decide if their dreams are God-breathed ideas or wishful thinking it would have big payoffs.

Perhaps if the church were to recast itself into a place of possibilities for dreamers we would attract and discover more of them. Wouldn't it be great if part of the signage of churches everywhere was "Dreamers Welcome Here"?

perhaps if we welcomed and even celebrated true visionaries and bansihed from our church vocabulary the phrase "we never did it that way before," we might wake up one day to find that by dreaming the dreams of God we had started fulfilling the dreams of God.

This is just a little bit of a great chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.

Dreams, we all have them. Take time to encourage the dreamer who is driven by God in your life. Many of us have come across them or will in our walk of faith.

Change

2005-05-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger on this site titles his blog page Changing Times. This is so true. Things are always changing. I don't do well with change. I resist it, deny it, ignore it. I'd say it is a family trait because most of the women in my family don't care for change in any way shape or form. I like things to be just as they are sometimes. Change is challenging, it is scarey, it is frustrating and exhausting. Even good change takes on all these forms in the process of it.

God is doing a work here that I don't quite get. I see my husband being shaped by His relationship with the Father in a way I have not seen in the past. This work in him is leading down a different road. There are only a few people that I know with such passion to serve and this passion he has is taking us in directions this ole catholic girl would have never guess of 10 years ago. With this passion I know of one thing God ignites it.

God is changing us. He is challenging us, He is causing us to look at ourselves in a way we never have before. These changes aren't always comfortable or easy. Change can be good but even when it's good doesn't mean I like the process.

The blessing

2005-05-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

The other morning I woke up early. You know how you wake up sometimes thinking and you want to go back to sleep so bad but for some reason your mind won't let you. I wasn't thinking about anything that was of great importance but for whatever reason I wasn't allowed a few more minutes of rest until about 30 minutes later. I got up and looked at my children while they were sleeping. Vision's of angels I thought to myself. I looked at each one of them so peaceful and thought of the joy they constantly bring to me. It is a challange from time to time and I do get rather tired. Being a stay at home mom ain't easy! It is a blessing but it is tough work too. There are times I look like I have not kept myself up for days. My clothes get messy, my house becomes a disaster which is hard for someone who likes things to be constantly tidy and organized. With all of these things that sometimes put a kink in the day I must say this is the most important job that I have or will ever have. It is my greatest ministry. I look at each of them and thank the Lord above for such wonderful blessings. As mother's day approaches I think of my role as a mother. I pray that as my children grow our love continues too. I pray that Lee and I united train them up in the way they should go. I pray that I am a good mommy and together Lee and I are parents that our children are proud of.

Busy Bee

2005-04-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

These days I am just worn out. I am beginning to realize that I really have a lot going on. Sometimes more than I want to admit. My calendar stays full and even though I am a homemaker, I find I am a lot busier than when I had an 8 hour a day job. I am beginning to realize that I am going to have to give somewhere along the way. Problem is, I am not sure exactly where. I run a home, keep everyone's schedule, teach a weekly sunday school class, teach a monthly praykids class, take care of a hospital ministry that is so dear to me as well as try to lead in a prayer ministry. All that I do means a lot to me but the problem I have is that I am not so sure I am doing it in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. Am I allowing something to suffer because i am involved in so many things. I would like to think I do all things well but I am not so sure these days. I am in a mode in which I am evaluating things. I would much rather do a couple of things well rather than too many not so good. I will figure it out.

These are the things I have been thinking about, so there you go.

Train them up

2005-04-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

This week our parenting skills have been put to the test. Our oldest child has told a couple of lies. Never before has this happened. I am trying desparately to figure out if this is just a stage he is going through or if he has picked up on this from other children. My struggle is that I do not want to see the most obvious part of these episodes. I want to belive my child is pure perfection and can do no wrong. This week, I have gotten a glimpse into the sin nature that all of us are born with. Dealing with that nature in myself is much easier to deal with than seeing it and dealing with it in the life of my child. It has broken my heart as well as irritated me when these lies have taken place. For a moment I sense the heartbreak that our Lord has when we too, his children fall short against that nature that runs through us.

Has our little one recognized what he has done? I hope that we have explained it well enough to him that he has begun to understand it. He has cried tears and let us know that he does understand the difference between the truth and a lie. His tears over this episode has torn me apart. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? He is just a child and children do these things. It is part of being a child. Train up a child in the way that he should go. To sweep this under the rug as just childhood behavior would not be proper for us as parents. It would not be training him right from wrong. I want him to understand right from wrong but also understand that we love him in spite of what he may do that is not of the right path.

I realized today how hard parenting is going to be as our children get older. Right now things are a little more simple. As they age innocence gets lost somewhere along the way and our skills will be tested even harder.

We love our children and they know that they are loved. I pray we continue to handle such bumps in the rode in a way that trains our children up in the way that they are to go.

Music, coffee and a muffin on the side

2005-04-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

It really has been a busy week around here. We have been getting things done daily and by the time we sit still it has been 8:00 pm already. It has been a good week though. Last night we had a blooddrive at our church and also a coffee house night. We had 3 different musical acts who did some acoustic sets for us and that was great. It was nice. We had a good crowd of folks there.
As I looked about I could not help but wonder where some of our brother's and sister's were. I kept thinking as I listened to this first act play that so many were missing out on such a blessing. This guy played guitar like I have never seen before. I was amazed as I sat watching. I kept thinking he must have started taking lessons as early as the age of three. He has to have taken all his life. Come to find out he has only been playing for six years. One day he decided that he wanted to learn to play guitar. He was unable to afford lessons and so he simply prayed to the almighty to help him learn. The Lord has blessed him with a gift so wonderful. I thought this is a miracle standing in front of us playing his soul out on this instrument we call the guitar. I just wish many more could have seen this awesome gift being displayed before us.

The other acts that were there were great as well. I enjoyed listening to them so much! It seemed that everyone enjoyed the time of just listening to good tunes and relaxing. These types of gatherings are well worth having in my opinion.

Last night I felt like I was given a gift. A gift of just being, of just listening to talent that the Lord has blessed others with and being able to do it with people I care about. I enjoyed it and for those who missed it, maybe you'll make it next time. Thank you Lord for those little moments of music, coffee and a muffin on the side.

It don't take much to make them happy

2005-04-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day. I admit it would have been a whole lot better if Lee had been along for the fun. I decided that the kids and I needed to find some things to do today. For most of you it won't seem like much but, it did fill our day and we enjoyed it. We first went to every childs favorite spot, Mcdonalds. It was busy and at first I was wondering if this was the great idea that I thought it was going to be. I was scared our day was off to a bad start. Mcdonalds was hectic. There was barely any room to sit and Aly desparately wanted out of her high chair. We made it though and off we went to another destination.

The pet store. This is easy entertainment for children and cheap as well when they go into the store realizing we are just looking. It is kinda like a zoo trip on a much smaller scale. my oldest was fascinated by the snakes and spiders. My middle child loved the bunnies. My youngest squeeled at everything she saw moving. It was so funny. After our time there we headed next door to my favorite spot. Target! Unfortunately I did not attempt to go into the store. It was way too busy for a saturday so I just headed to the outside department where the plants are. My little girl has been begging to plant some flowers so we went looking. We found some that we liked and so we made a purchase and headed home.

Once we got home we planted the flowers and watered them. I do hope they stay alive because I definately do not have a green thumb! She will be heart broken if they don't make it. Once that was done it was time for a little outside play. The sun was bright and it was perfect. The girls played on bicycles while Cam and I threw the baseball around. This is usually daddy's job but today I got my chance at it. I really had a good time. Of course tommorrow my arm is going to be sore. I normally do not spend 30 minutes throwing the baseball around, but today I did. Usually, I am the one cooking supper or cleaning when all this fun takes place. Not this time though. Cam coached me through it so I don't think I did so bad. Ha!

I finally decided I was tired and we really needed to get inside where it was cool. It was time to cook supper anyway so off we went indoors. I do think I will rest well this evening. Ha!

It was a good day and only Lee could have made it better. I thank the Lord for these little ones who find wonder in such small things. it doesn't take much to make them happy. All it was today was mcnuggets, browsing at animals, planting flowers and time with mommy.
I pray they take pleasure in these little things as they grow. they teach me to see things through their eyes. There is nothing like it.

The fear of the black cat

2005-04-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

Ever feel really stupid? I do quite a bit of the time, but yesterday I figured out just how stupid I really am. I am driving down the road on the way home. Kids in tow and all is well. Suddenly, right before we turn down our street something happened. I thought to myself, CRAP!
What was it you ask? A big black cat prissing his way across my path. This has happened to me before. I will admit that each time it does I seriously think about turning around and going the opposite direction. I have an Aunt who would do exactly that.

Superstition - A fearful or abject state of mind resulting from such ignorance or irrationality.

Well, I would say a fearful state of mind would describe me to a tee. I will leave ignorance for someone else to claim. Ha!
Did I continue on my way or did I actually turn around? I continued, but not without thought of that age old superstiition. As the thought of it plaqued me, I wondered who was the genius that came up with this anyway. Superstitions are things we sometimes say we don't buy into but unfortunately they still creep up on you from time to time don't they. Don't say you never think about it when that black cat crosses your path. I think I might have a hard time believing you.

This little experience gives me a signal as to how big fear does play a role in my life. One that I know I battle often. It is the worry warts curse. One passed down from generation to generation. I am trying to break it but, I must say it ain't easy. It never is easy even when it comes to something as silly as superstition.

Crazy but true.

Prayer

2005-04-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

It is getting late and before long I need to get in the bed. I know if I lay down right now and begin my nightly prayer I will probably fall asleep. I have decided to type out my prayer this evening.

Father, Thank you for this day. This most precious day filled with sunshine. Although it was a little cooler than I would have liked I thank you for giving me beautiful rays to shine upon us. Cameron likes the light and often lets me know how sunshine makes him happy.

Forgive me Lord for my sinful nature. There is not a day go by in which throughout its moments sin is laced in it. I come before you seeking to be forgiven. See me as pure through the blood of your son so that my prayer may be accepted and heard.

I pray Father for those that we know so far away who are working the fields for you. I ask that you are with them, protecting them and blessing their service to you. Bring them home safe and sound with joy filling their souls
.
I ask that you be with our friends and our family. I ask that you bless and protect them. Provide for them every need and desire of the heart. I ask that you be with our friend who is going through a tough time right now. Help him to know your presence and lift him and love him.

I pray for those little babies and their families. Encourage them and comfort them. Help those babies grow and thrive being able to go home with their parents. Be with the doctors and nurses who work so hard to care for these little NICU angels. Encourage them in the ministry that they have to all these children and the parents who love them.

I ask that you be with our church family. For every need they have whether it be spoken or unspoken Lord, I ask you hear their request. For those struggling with illness, I ask for your healing hand to be upon them. Give them strength and make them well again.

For Our friends, newly married but yet, having to be apart for a time, I ask that you comfort them. This is not easy and I ask that you lift them up, encourage them and bring them back together again. protect them both and bless them.

I ask that you be with those whom we teach each week. Those who are continuing to learn about you. Help us to continue to encourage and guide them each week.

Thank you for this family. Thank you for the blessings you have given to us. I thank you for a wonderful husband and children who teach me more everyday. I ask for your watch and protection over us daily. Bless us with your most abundant of blessings. Keep us safe and guarded from all evil.

Bless my husband Father. Thank you for who he is and who he continues to strive to be. Thank you for giving me such a blessing in him. Protect him and help him to continue to be encouraged in all that he does. Bless him with health, joy and happiness. Bless our life together and our future. Help us as we raise our children. Help us to encourage them, communicate with them in truth, love them and teach them your ways.

Be with me Father, calm my fears and encourage me daily. Thank you for all that you are and continue to be. Help me to remember who you really are and your promises. You know who I am and the challenges I have within. Forgive me for my doubts andf for the fears that sometimes speak lies to me. Help me to remember your truth and your words and your promises. Protect my mind from the battle I sometimes fight.

Thank you Father. Thank you for all that you have created that we sometimes take for granted. Thank you for the ability to serve in the areas we have been placed in. Help us to continue to do so for many years to come. Help us to model that to our children so that they may grow to serve as well.

I am getting a little tired so I will close for now. Keep us through the night, guarding our dreams and giving us rest. Bless us with another day full of energy and joy.

In your name I pray,
Amen

Who is the Pope?

2005-04-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Well, the big news for the past few days has been the condition of the Pope. Last night I was watching a little televsion. The kids were asleep and so was the hubby. I was amazed at the media. They were reporting live from the Vatican. I watched as they talked about the life of Pope John Paul II. I found out some interesting things about him that I never new before. All these things about him were highlighted as they sat outside watching the windows of his third floor apartment. They sit watching for a sign to his condition, to see if he is improving.

I wanted to scream at the televison and say NO! you are not waiting to see if his condition is improving. You are waiting there for him to die.

Why was I so upset about this? It was the fact that this person, this man, we call the Pope was a man of great faith. A man who had to hide in order to practice his faith and attend seminary. A man who visited with, and forgave the one who shot him many years ago. A man serious about his faith. Regardless of how you feel about Catholic relegion and the role of the Pope in the Church, he still is a man of great faith.

A Jewish man and a friend of the Pope said that he once witnessed the private prayer time of the Pope. He watched and was amazed at the intensity of prayer. The young Jewish man stated, It was peaceful and I became apart of this beautiful prayer time the Pope was engaging in. Many things like this reported now but not before.

I just sat there and watched thinking to myself it sure would be nice if they could tell his story long before he is laying there waiting to die.

As I type now many catholics and noncatholics are saddened by his passing. I just wonder how much more we will learn about him that we never knew.

what is more important?

2005-04-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.

I was reading this in my bible today. I looked down at my little note to see what was said about this specific part and this what followed.

Love is more important than knowledge. Knowledge can make us look good and feel important, but we can all too easily develop an arrogant, know -it-all attitude. Many people with strong opinions are unwilling to listen to and learn from God and others. We can obtain God's knowledge only by loving Him. We can know and be known by God only when we model him by showing love.

Love, that is what it is all about. Why do we forget to Love?

reading my mind

2005-03-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

All I have to say today is a little something to my friend Josh. Thanks! You said exactly what I had on my mind!! We just love ya man.

It disturbs me that sometimes people who seem to mean well end up robbing others of their joy. It is very hard for me to understand why some believers are so intent on putting other believers in their place. It is a shame that we sometimes waste time trying to correct our brothers who know the Lord rather than reaching out the brothers who do not. For some unknown reason we have decided we know exactly how He will speak and through which avenues that may be. We never think He can touch our hearts through what we call secular music or through movies in the theater or through television or even through websites like this one. We don't think He has the creativity to do so. I must disagree. He speaks to me in these avenues a good bit of the time and for that I am so thankful. It allows me to truely understand His presence with me always. It allows me to continue to seek and pray without ceasing. Other's may disagree, but God does not speak to us in the same way. We are all different and I think He is capable of handling that.
Someone long in the faith and very wise in it as well once told me God can speak in anyway He wants. He can speak through the lost just as well as the saved. We just need to make sure we are listening.
Some where along the way we lose sight of that and in doing so we do nothing but hinder seeking out and ministering to those left behind.

Now, that is all I got to say about that.